


"Star Trek: Escape from Morturus" or: "The Lost Script of Star Trek: TOS"

by Ultima_Thule (lcd_soundsystem)



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Crack Relationships, Gen, Klingon minions, M/M, Meta, Screenplay/Script Format, Star Wars References, but that reason quickly goes out the window when dealing with each other, everyone is in love with the Enterprise, klingon foosball, red shirts with personalities, scotty is in love with the Enterprise, spock and mccoy are the only voices of reason, the crew of the USS Enterprise is just one giant chaotic family, the writers were in love with the Enterprise, unsolicited scottish history lessons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:35:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 28,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29738832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lcd_soundsystem/pseuds/Ultima_Thule
Summary: So there I was, recovering files from a dying laptop whose Microsoft Word hasn't updated since 2008, and I discovered a folder labeled:"STAR TREKKINNNN".This folder was full of Star Trek fanfiction, written by yours truly and friends when we were 11 through 14 years old. Most of it was stuff and nonsense, but some of it was, truly, a literary wonder of its time ( /s ). I've decided to share the best of the best with you all today: the only fic we ever finished.(Edits were surprisingly sparse, I only fixed the most glaring of grammatical errors.)
Relationships: Crew of the Starship Enterprise & James T. Kirk, James T. Kirk & Spock, Kevin Riley/Hikaru Sulu, Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock, Montgomery "Scotty" Scott/USS Enterprise
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

EVERYONE ON THE BRIDGE IS GOING ABOUT THEIR WORK AS USUAL.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, Mr. Spock, it’s been nearly two months now, pressing forward in space… and we still haven’t run into anything yet.”

SPOCK: “Truly fascinating.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What do you make of it?”

SPOCK: “If you are asking for my opinion, I have none. However—”

THE SHIP’S BOSUN SOUNDS

SCOTTY _(over intercom)_ : “Engineering to Captain Kirk.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Go ahead, Scotty, what is it?”

SCOTTY: “The power in the engine room keeps comin‘ on and off! I can’t tell what’s causin‘ it!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Have you checked the circuits? Maybe there’s a short—”

SCOTTY: “Aye, I checked all the—CAPTAIN!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty?”

SCOTTY: “What is happening? Och, no, don’t take—CAPTAIN!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty, _what is it_?”

SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE. THEY CAN HEAR SCOTTY’S VOICE BUT CAN’T MAKE OUT HIS WORDS. THE LINE GOES DEAD.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty! A malfunction, Mr. Spock?”

SPOCK: “All circuits are in prime working condition, Captain.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Spock, Uhura, Checkov, come with me. Mr. Sulu, take over up here!”

THEY GET DOWN TO THE ENGINE ROOM AND TRY TO BREAK OPEN THE DOOR.

CHECKOV: “Was there anyone else in there with him, Captain?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “No.”

SPOCK: “Half of them were at lunch—naturally, Scotty wanted to stay behind in the engine room, and the others ran down to damage control after that shockwave.”

CHECKOV: “Well, he loves that engine room!”

SPOCK: “ _That_ is an understatement.”

UHURA: “NO! Oh… oh… oh Captain… I know where he is…”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What? Where!?”

MCCOY: “Lieutenant, I think you may need to lie down. Here. Ahem. _NURSE CHAPEL_!”

NURSE CHAPEL: “How do you feel?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Uhura?”

UHURA: “I know where he is! I can see… _them_! Oh, it’s horrible, Captain, terrible!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “WHAT?”

UHURA FAINTS.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “No! Uhura? Lieutenant? Lieutenant Uhura! Bones… do what you can…”

3 REDSHIRTS FALL FLAT. THE LIGHTS GO OUT, AND THERE IS A HIGH-PITCHED SCREAMING SOUND COMING FROM SOMEWHERE. WHEN THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON, THE 3 REDSHIRTS, SPOCK AND UHURA ARE MISSING.

MCCOY STANDS UP.

MCCOY: “Jim…”

THE _ENTERPRISE_ LURCHES FORWARD AT A HIGH SPEED. EVERYONE CRASHES ACROSS THE HALLWAY, AND SLOWLY GETS THEIR BALANCE BACK.

TERROR FILLS MCCOY’S EYES.

MCCOY: “Jim, I know where they are.”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(grabs McCoy’s shoulders)_ : “Where?”

MCCOY: “I see… why Uhura fainted.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What is it, Bones? What? You have to tell me!”

MCCOY _(staring off into space—The Star Trek Face!)_ : “They’re in a prison… like the one we escaped from almost two months ago.”

CHECKOV: “That one? Was the dirtiest stable I’ve ever seen—was worse than the Cossacks’ battle barracks!”

MCCOY _(shakes his head_ ): “Ten times worse.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Did you see them in there?”

MCCOY: “Well, I didn’t see Spock or Uhura, but I did see the three security guards.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: ”What is it, Bones? Are they hurt?”

MCCOY: “It’s worse than that. They were DEAD, Jim!”

CHECKOV: “What about Mr. Scott?”

MCCOY: “Scotty…”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, Bones?”

VOICE BREAKS IN OVER THE ENGINE NOISE.

VOICE _(with evil laugh)_ : “I find your predicament humorous, Captain! I have nearly complete control of your ship. I have taken six of your crew, and have killed three as an example… and I am starting on the other three, as you may very well hear.”

THE EVIL VOICE PAUSES TO LET THOSE REMAINING ON THE _ENTERPRISE_ HEAR THE TERRIBLE SOUNDS OF TORTURE IN THE BACKGROUND. CHECKOV STARTS BAWLING. BONES ATTEMPTS TO CONSOLE HIM WHILE MUTTERING THINGS UNDER HIS BREATH (that his mother would probably NOT be pleased to hear).

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Who are you? What are you doing with my people? Show yourself! _(To Sulu)_ Anything on our sensors yet?”

SULU: “Nothing, Captain!”

VOICE: “They will die too, Captain, as well as everyone else on board, with the exception of you.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “No! I am the captain of this ship. I should be held fully responsible—”

VOICE: “ _Unless_ … You are willing to pay the price.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I would pay with my life, if need be.”

UHURA _(over intercom)_ : “Captain…! No!”

VOICE: “Such extreme measures will not be necessary, Captain. I only ask for a simple exchange. Your ship, the _Enterprise_ , for the lives of your crewmembers.”

SCOTTY _(over intercom)_ : “Captain—OCH! Lad! Don’t give up the ship. _Never_ give her up!”

VOICE: “Silence, Earth-scum, or the pointy-eared one gets zapped again!”

SCOTTY: “No! Spock! Are ye all right, laddie?”

VOICE _(with loud, triumphant evil laugh)_ : “Mark my words well, _Captain_!”

THE _ENTERPRISE_ SHAKES VIOLENTLY AND DROPS OUT OF WARP.

RILEY: “Captain, the intercoms are jammed! Everyone’s calling in at _(through ship-wide intercom)_ —SLOW DOWN, WILL YA?”

SULU: “Clear those intercoms!”

BLUESHIRT: “The intercoms are clear. I’m getting reports from every deck! Immense damage, especially on decks four through eight. Also, damage control reports major hull damage, sir.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Get a team working on it.”

ENGINEER _(through intercom)_ : “Our starboard engine conked out, sir! It just… went! I fear for the other!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Thank you, Mr. Tyson. SULU! RILEY!”

SULU and RILEY JUMP.

SULU: “Yes, Captain!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Get that entity back online _right now_!”

VOICE: “No need, Captain! _(evil snicker)_ I’m quite certain we shall meet again. I am not so sure I can make the same promise for your Vulcan friend, however.”

SULU: “That… that is creepy.”

CAPTAIN KIRK STANDS UP SLOWLY AND, POUNDING THE ARM OF HIS CHAIR FOR EMPHASIS MAKES THIS IMPASSIONED SPEECH:

CAPTAIN KIRK _(to the voice)_ : “Who are you? What are you doing? Leave my ship alone—SPOCK! Can you hear me? SPOCK!”

—FADE TO BLACK—

STAR TREK INTRO PLAYS


	2. Chapter 2

SCREEN FADES BACK ON. THE REMAINING CREWMEMBERS ARE GATHERED AROUND, LOOKING BACK AND FORTH IN PANIC FROM THE INTERCOM TO CAPTAIN KIRK, WHO IS LEANING AGAINST THE WALL STARING DRAMATICALLY INTO… SPACE. MCCOY LAYS A HAND ON HIS FRIEND’S BACK.

MCCOY: “Jim…”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(takes a deep breath)_ : “No. This is not about me. We have to rescue them.”

CHECKOV: “But how sir? We don’t even know where they are!”

RILEY: “There’s no way they can answer to their communicators.”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(looks at Riley as if he’s growing carrots out of his ears)_ : “Their communicators! Why didn’t I think of that? Riley…! You’re a genius!”

RILEY: “Well! Don’t know why, but I’m glad _someone_ finally decided to mention it.”

CHECKOV: “Captain, do you really think it will work?”

MCCOY: “Jim, if you’re implying that we try and track them down using the radio signal from their communicators, you need to see me in sick bay.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “It’s our only chance, Bones.”

CHECKOV: “But Captain, Mr. Scott and Mr. Spock are the ones who usually do our tracking in cases like this!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Needless to say, we will all be stretched to the end of our abilities, but we _must press on_ … The lives of three crewmembers—potentially more—hang in the balance. If we do not fight this… entity, the _Enterprise_ , your lives… everything, will be taken from you.”

MCCOY: “Well, in that case, let’s hope they’re still alive.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “We must work fast. A second could mean the difference between life and death for Uhura, Scotty… and Spock.”

CHECKOV: “Then… let’s get cracking.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spider eels... why did it have to be spider eels...

IN A PRISON. IT IS DARK, AND YOU CAN JUST BARELY MAKE OUT THE FORMS OF _SCOTTY_ , _SPOCK_ , AND _UHURA_. _SCOTTY_ AND _UHURA_ ARE SITTING WITH THEIR BACKS TO THE WALL. THEY ARE CHAINED UP. _SPOCK_ IS LYING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CELL, ALSO CHAINED TO THE WALL.

UHURA: “Mr. Scott… is he waking up yet?”

SCOTTY: “Not yet, lassie! Och, if he doesn’t start comin‘ ’round soon… The poor lad—Heaven help me if he hears me say that—! But if only Dr. McCoy were here this minute!”

UHURA: “Oh, how could anyone do that to him? _He_ hadn’t done anything!”

SCOTTY: “I dunno, lass. Aye… ’Tis a mixed up universe we live in… aye. But it’ll turn out good in the end, see if it won’t!”

UHURA: “How can you be so sure of that?”

SCOTTY: “Why, it says so in the Bible, lassie. Romans 8:28. For all things work together for good, to those who love God.”

UHURA: “Oh that’s nice… hmm anyway… I’d feel better if there were actually a light so I could at least see how he is. In this darkness, you can’t even tell that he is hurt. Why, he might as well be peacefully dreaming!”

SCOTTY: “Well, whenever Mr. Spock’s lyin‘ unconscious on the floor, you know something’s up!”

UHURA _(starts crying)_ : “Oh, Scotty!”

SCOTTY: “It’ll turn out all right. Scotsman’s promise.” 

UHURA: “But… how?”

SCOTTY: “You… you know Captain Kirk wouldn’t give up on us like that. You know that.”

UHURA: “He can’t track us down without being captured! You know him, Scotty. He’ll trade the _Enterprise_ for us if he has to.”

SCOTTY: “Lassie—”

UHURA: “He’ll trade his life for us!”

SCOTTY _(bursting into tears)_ : “Och, lassie, stop! I cannae stand it!”

UHURA: “Oh, Scotty!”

SPOCK ROLLS OVER TO FACE SCOTTY AND UHURA.

SPOCK: “However illogical your approach was, Mr. Scott, I am… grateful for your attempts at rescuing me, though they were obviously futile.”

UHURA: “Mr. Spock!”

SPOCK: “Lieutenant Uhura. Why is Mr. Scott behaving in such an illogical manner?”

SCOTTY _(sniffling)_ : “Mr. Spock…! Och… I canna say how good… how _good_ it is to hear your voice again, lad!”

THE VOICEY THING COMES IN (Here we go again!)

VOICE: ”Ah, Vulcan, I see you have regained consciousness. Now we can—”

UHURA: “Whad’ya want, pipsqueak?”

SPOCK RAISES AN EYEBROW.

SPOCK: “Fascinating, Uhura. I never knew you had it in you.”

VOICE: “Silence!”

SCOTTY: “Look here! If ye don’t leave us alone, I’m afraid—beggin‘ your pardon, sir—but I’m afraid I’ll have t’ knock the STUFFIN’ outa you!”

SPOCK: “Hear, hear.”

VOICE: “Getting fresh, are we? We’ll see how _brave_ you are, after you’ve taken a nice swim in my SPIDER-EEL TANK!!!”

UHURA _(shrinking against the wall)_ : “S-s-spider… w-w-what? Deahh, SCOTTY!!!”

SCOTTY: “There, there, lassie… the s-s-s-spider w-w-whatever it is c-c-canna be as bad as all that… Courage, my dear lass!”

SPOCK: “Spider-eels? Interesting. I think it shall greatly expand my scientific knowledge on alien marine creatures, and Captain Kirk will doubtless be very pleased at what we bring back to the _Enterprise—_ ”

VOICE: “Getting huppity, are you, Vulcan? It’s the tank for you, and your Earth-crawler friends will have front-row seats to watch the struggle!”

UHURA: “No!”

VOICE: “Oh, don’t worry my dear lady. It will only take about an hour or so. The spider-eels, though rather small, are quite voriferous.”

SPOCK: “Voriferous. Interesting. I have… never encountered that word before. Very well, when I get back to the ship, I shall be sure to—”

VOICE: “Oh, yes, and about your ship. The _Enterprise_ is mine, Vulcan. I have complete control over it.”

SCOTTY: “It? _It_!!? He has the nerve to pull us down here and hold us hostage while he blasts the _Enterprise_ and everyone on it halfway across the galaxy and he still has the NERVE to call her an _IT_?!!! By the blood of William Wallace—beggin’ your pardon, sir—but if I ever get my hands on ye, I’ll teach ye a lesson ye’ll never be forgettin‘! Callin‘ the _Enterprise_ an IT, INDEED! Och, that burns worse than when the Klingons called her a GARBAGE SCOW!”

UHURA: “Scotty! Stop this!”

SPOCK: “I agree with the Lieutenant, Mr. Scott. There are, indeed, more logical ways to handle this.”

VOICE _(evil laugh)_ : “Smart girl. TO THE TANK! _GUARDS_!!!”

FOUR ARMED GUARDS BURST INTO THE ROOM. ONE GRABS UHURA. ONE GRABS SPOCK. TWO GRAB SCOTTY. THEY RUSH DOWN A HALL, THEN DROP UHURA, SCOTTY AND SPOCK (none too gently) TO THE GROUND. SCOTTY LANDS ON HIS FEET AND COMES UP SWINGING. HE IS IMMEDIATELY PINNED TO THE WALL. UHURA LANDS ON HER FEET AND QUICKLY SCOOTS OUT OF THE WAY. SPOCK MAKES AN ATTEMPT TO LAND ON HIS FEET, BUT HIS LEGS GIVE OUT AND HE COLLAPSES ONTO HIS BACK.

SCOTTY: “Mr. Spock, are ye all right?”

SPOCK: “I regret to say, I have still not recovered sufficiently from that… well, whatever it was they did to me.”

UHURA _(crawling over)_ : “There’s no way you can possibly survive the spider-eel tank in your condition!”

SCOTTY KNOCKS OUT ONE OF THE GUARDS AND ATTEMPTS TO DASH AROUND THE OTHER ONE, BUT IS—ahem—APPREHENDED (in the head) BY THE SIDE OF THE OTHER GUARD’S GUN. SCOTTY SLIDES TO THE GROUND.

GUARD #1: “Take that, you slimy, slobbering Starfleet scum!”

SPOCK: “Alliteration is a rather juvenile approach—though not altogether illogical—when trying to insult someone.”

UHURA: “Scotty!”

SCOTTY: “Och… my head… my head…”

UHURA: “Oh, Scotty, are you all right?”

SCOTTY: “Aye… aye… William Wallace coulda taken it! ’Tis but a wee knock…”

SPOCK: “Mr. Scott, of all the engineers I’ve known during my years in Starfleet, I have never seen one who is as terrible a liar as you are.”

VOICE: “The tanks are prepared.”

GUARD #1: “Roger that, chief!”

TWO GUARDS LIFT SPOCK AND PREPARE TO TOSS HIM INTO THE TANK.

UHURA: “No! No! NO!!!”

VOICE _(cackling evilly)_ : “Yes. Yes! Oh, yes! Finally. My plan is falling into place.”

UHURA: “You’ll never get away with this!” _(Ahh, the infamous “You’ll never get away with this!” line)_

VOICE: “Actually, my dear Lieutenant, I will. And I’ll get away with the _Enterprise_ , too.”

SCOTTY RAISES HIMSELF UP WEAKLY WITH ONE ARM.

SCOTTY: “Oh, so you think you can get away with the _Enterprise_ , do ya? You don’t have the right to even say her _name_!”

VOICE: “I can say _its_ pitiful name whenever I want to. After all, it is mine. You are all mine, under _my power_.”

UHURA: “You _won’t_ get away with this! You won’t, you _won’t_ , you.. you… you… LYING SCUMHAWK!”

VOICE: “And your Captain Kirk says he’ll give his life for you if needed. How touching. Fortunately, that will not be necessary. I could use someone like him… I need him alive.”

GUARD #1: “Uh, excuse me but, are we gonna throw ’im in yet, chief? My back is starting to hurt.”

VOICE: “Of course, of course. Toss him in.”

GUARD #1: “Heave-ho, fellers, in the TANK he goes!”

THE TWO GUARDS THROW A NON-RESISTANT SPOCK INTO THE SPIDER-EEL TANK.

UHURA: “Noooo!”

SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.


	4. Chapter 4

BACK ON THE _Enterprise,_ CAPTAIN KIRK IS PACING THE FLOOR WHILE HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. EVERYONE ELSE IS TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO BREAK THrough to the three in the prison.

CAPTAIN Kirk: “there has got to be a way to get through to them!”

MCCOY: “We’re trying, but Jim, how do you know this is going to work?”

CAPTAIN: “We just have to TRY, BONES! It’s their only chance!”

RILEY _(running into the room)_ : “Sulu thinks he’s on to something, Captain! He’s using both the refraction of a tractor beam and the sensor rays to trace them! It was partly Chekov’s idea.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Great. Keep me posted.”

RILEY _(saluting)_ : “Yes, SIR!”

RILEY SKIPS OUT OF THE ROOM.

MCCOY: “What am I going to do with that guy?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What am I going to do without him?”

RILEY RUNS BACK INTO THE ROOM.

RILEY: “ _Yoooo-REKA_! Mr. Sulu broke through! He located a radio beam, AND IT’S THE EXACT SAME ONE COMING FROM THEIR COMMUNICATORS!!!”

SULU _(yelling from the other room)_ : “Don’t get too excited, Kevin, we don’t even know if their communicators are anywhere near them.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “All the same, it is something! See if you can zero in on them, Riley, then we’ll beam down a landing party. _(whispering)_ The… entity seems to have left us with transporter power, and we at least appear to be simply stranded in space for now. McCoy, you said that you saw where they were. How?”

MCCOY: “I did?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Don’t you remember?”

MCCOY: “No. And anyway, how could I see them if they’re about a million light-years away? As Spock would say, it would be _ill_ ogical. Wherever he is.”

CHEKOV: “Sir, we have scanned the area. It’s… land. About 22,000 kilometers away. If Mr. Scott were here, he’d be able to tell us more about it.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “You mean to tell me, Ensign Chekov, that you’ve been in Starfleet for six years and you still don’t know how to work the topographical scanner?”

CHEKOV: “Not as well as Mr. Scott, sir. But after we rescue them, I’ll be sure to ask him to teach me about it!”

RILEY: “We’ve found our position, sir, and are ready to beam down.”

THEY TRANSPORT DOWN.

VOICE _(through intercom)_ : “Not so fast, Captain Kirk!”

THE TRANSPORTER CONTROL PAD EXPLODES. CHEKOV JUMPS BACK, SHRIEKING. EVERYONE JUMPS ABOUT THREE FEET INTO THE AIR. SEVERAL SCREAM. TWO BLUESHIRTS FAINT (one of whom is Nurse Chapel).

VOICE: “Excellent. Now I have five more of your crew on my planet!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What’ve you done with my men and capable woman lieutenant?”

VOICE: “Oh, never fear, my dear Captain. You shall have the happy chance to meet them again. I am taking you to my base—the planet Morturus. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? Yes.”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(staring dramatically beyond the camera)_ : “Morturus!”

CHEKOV: “Captain… that’s…”

BLUESHIRT 1: “But… that planet’s a dead planet! I mean, yeah, it’s got an oxygen/nitrogen atmosphere, but… There’s no sun there. It’s behind the Neutral Zone, inside…”

BLUESHIRT 2: “Inside the Venom Nebula! Captain, that nebula’s made almost entirely out of poisonous sulphuric acid! It’ll permeate our shields in less than an hour, and one breath of it will kill us all! We can never go there!”

VOICE: “Haha, and yet go there you must! Do you have such little minds that you have forgotten who has complete control over your ship? I am the only one who can steer _it_ , control _it_.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Do whatever you want with me. Just leave my crew ALONE!”

VOICE: “How typical. Give me one good reason why I should do that.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I’ll give you five! _(numbering his fingers)_ One, two, three, four, five!”

CAPTAIN KIRK HAULS OFF AND PUNCHES THE INTERCOM, BREAKING IT.

A SHORT HESITATION, THEN EVERYONE BREAKS INTO APPLAUSE.

REDSHIRT: “Well, that’s a break from _him_ for a while, I guess.”

STAR TREK THEME SONG RIFF PLAYS.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scotty probably did dramatic reenactments of the battle of Bannockburn as a child.

BACK IN THE PRISON, SPOCK, WHO HAS BEEN THROWN IN THE SPIDER EEL TANK, IS THINKING UP A LOGICAL PLAN TO ESCAPE. MEANWHILE, SCOTTY AND UHURA ARE CHAINED TO THE WALL, FORCED TO WATCH THEIR FRIEND SUFFER.

UHURA: “Spock!”

SCOTTY: “Och, we’ve got to get ya outa there!”

SPOCK: “I am trying _(gets a wave in the face)_ to think of a way to escape _(gets another wave in the face)_ , but it’s somewhat difficult when you’re being attacked by spider-eels.”

SPOCK’S HAND SLIPS ON THE SIDE OF THE TANK, AND HE IS COMPLETELY SUBMERGED UNDERWATER.

SCOTTY: “Spock!”

UHURA: “Oh, no!”

GUARD: “BAAA HAAA HAAA!!!!!!!”

AFTER HALF AN HOUR OR SO, UHURA COULDN’T STAND IT ANY LONGER.

UHURA: “Oh please, we must save him.”

SCOTTY: ”Permission to save him sir?!”

GUARD: “Oh no, you don’t, you—”

VOICE: “Do shut up, Gremlitch, you’re giving me a headache. Permission granted. I need you all alive.”

THE GUARDS UNCHAIN SCOTTY AND UHURA. THEY DIVE IN AND PULL OUT SPOCK, WHO PASSED OUT.THE SPIDER EELS WERE SO DIZZY FROM SPOCK’S COPPER BLOOD THAT THEY LEAVE THEM ALONE.

SCOTTY: “Och, he looks bad. At least the spider-eels didn’t bother him much.”

UHURA: ”Scotty, you know how Dr. McCoy showed us how to do C.P.R?”

SCOTTY: “Aye. But I’m not very good at it.”

UHURA: “Oh, never mind. He’s waking up.”

SPOCK FLIPS ONTO HIS STOMACH, STRUGGLING TO BREATHE.

SCOTTY: “He’s still not wakin‘ up!”

UHURA: “Oh…”

SCOTTY: “His skin’s gone white as a bowl of highland porridge!”

UHURA: “Is he… dead?”

SCOTTY: “No, not yet… that Vulcan heart of his’s still beatin‘ away… But if he doesn’t start breathin‘ soon…!”

SPOCK LIES STILL.

SCOTTY _(kneeling on the floor by Spock’s head)_ : “Spock? Oh. Oh, no. No! Och, no, laddie! It can’t be true!”

UHURA: “Scotty. What is it?”

SCOTTY: “I’m… I’m sorry Lieutenant! I know next ta nothin‘ about this but… I’m an engineer, not a—not a _doctor_! Please wake up, lad, come on, please!”

SPOCK STARTS SPLUTTERING. AND SPITS OUT ABOUT THREE GALLONS OF WATER. AND STARTS BREATHING HARD.

SCOTTY _(letting out a giant sigh of relief)_ : “Ah, thank Heaven… thank the Lord. Are you all right, laddie?”

SPOCK: “ahhh… I don’t know.”

SCOTTY: “Don’t worry, laddie. We’ll have you back on the _Enterprise_ in no time!”

VOICE: “Pay no heed to the Scottish scum bug, Vulcan! I’ll have your precious _Enterprise_ melted down as the SCRAP METAL IT IS!!! And then, it shall be remade into my newly refurbished torture devices.”

SCOTTY _(after a minute of stunned silence)_ : “Scrap metal?”

UHURA: “Oh, no.”

SCOTTY: “ _Scrap metal_?”

UHURA: “Shouldn’t have said that.”

SCOTTY: “ _SCRAP METAL??!!!_ ”

UHURA: “ _Now_ you’re in for it.”

SCOTTY: “Her name is _ENTERPRISE_!!! YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

SCOTTY LEAPS OFF THE GROUND LIKE A ROCKET AND FLINGS HIMSELF AT THE GUARDS, KNOCKING THEM OVER LEFT AND RIGHT.

SPOCK: “Quite the regular whirlwind, isn’t he?”

UHURA: “He’s _wonderful_. Go, Scotty! Go, Scotty!”

SCOTTY: “Take that! And that! And THAT! and this! and this! And _THIS_!!!! How DARE you call the Enterprise SCRAP METAL??? HOW DARE YOU????!!!!!! SHOW YOURSELF YOU POLTROON!!! YOU COWARD! YOU ACT ALL GRAND WITH YOUR INSULTS, DON’T YA? BUT _YOU’RE TOO COWARDLY TO EVEN SHOW YOURSELF_!!!!!!”

GUARD #1 _(trying to open his battered, black eyes)_ : “I was kinda wondering when you were gonna do that, boss.”

VOICE: “I was keeping myself hidden for dramatic effect _(sighs dramatically, in a fake, apologetic way)_. But, as you persist in seeing my visage, I suppose I must condescend.”

LIGHTNING FLASHES. THUNDER CRASHES. THE DOOR SLAMS OPEN WITH A BURST OF DRAMATIC MUSIC. A FIGURE STEPS IN, WITH A BLACK CAPE, A BLACK BELT AROUND IT, AND ONLY ONE ARM. A FLASH OF LIGHTNING ILLUMINATES HIS FACE, AND EVERYONE _(INCLUDING SPOCK)_ FLINCHES BACKWARD. HIS SKIN IS GREEN, AND HIS EYES ARE BLACK, HOLLOW, EMPTY HOLES IN HIS HEAD. ONCE EVERYONE MANAGES TO TEAR THEIR EYES AWAY FROM HIS, THEY SEE THE DEVICE HE HOLDS IN HIS LEFT HAND. IT IS THE SHOCKING DEVICE HE USED EARLIER. DUN-DUN-DUN!!!!

SPOCK: “Not again.”

VOICE: “I am Sinistra Oderon.”

SPOCK: “That name fits you well.”

ODERON: “Silence, Vulcan!”

SPOCK: “The insult was not intentional. I was simply making note of a perfectly true fact.”

ODERON: “I. Said. SIIIILLLLEEENNNNCCCE!!!”

THE DUNGEON FLOOR SHAKES. ODERON STRIDES OVER AND, TOSSING HIS DEVICE TO A GUARD, GRABS A TREMBLING SCOTTY BY THE ARM.

SPOCK: “Raising your voice is not necessary, Oderon. We are all right here, and I can assure you that all of our ears are in peak condition. However, if you continue to misuse your vocal chords in such an illogical manner, you can be quite aware that our ears will _not_ be in such—”

ODERON: “Perhaps you all have forgotten your place.”

SCOTTY _(between chattering teeth)_ : “I…. haven’t forgotten a thing!”

ODERON: “ _You_ , in particular, have been getting a little too out of place _(giving Scotty a good shake)_. Perhaps your Vulcan friend’s pain, an hour ago, was not a good enough example for you.”

SINISTRA ODERON NODS TO THE GUARD WITH THE DEVICE. THE GUARD ADVANCES, CACKLING AN EVIL LAUGH UNDER HIS BREATH.

ODERON: “Call me coward, will you?”

SCOTTY: “It’s true! It’s what you are! You’re a worse coward than Edward the Second, and—”

ODERON: “We’ll see how bold you are when you’re flat out on the ground screaming yourself into unconsciousness!!! Guards. NOW!”

UHURA: “NO!!!!”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> McCoy doesn't get paid enough for this shit.

MCCOY, SULU, RILEY, MR. ANDERSON AND ANOTHER REDSHIRT BEAM DOWN ONTO THE PLANET’S SURFACE.

MCCOY: “I can’t believe I let you beam me down like that. It’s terrible, scattering a man’s molecules around the universe. I tell you, it’s not safe!”

SULU: “It’s amazing we even managed to beam down in our condition.”

RILEY: “Well, as Mr. Scott would say, ‘Aye, she’s an amazing ship, she is!’”

SULU: “Dude, you need to work on that accent. Sounds more Irish than Scottish.”

RILEY: “I am Irish! Give me a break! Like _you_ can do any better.”

SULU: “Ohoho, you wanna bet?”

RILEY: “I do wanna bet.”

SULU _(prancing around in a circle, firing off his phaser every other step)_ : “And _I_ would walk 500 miles and _I_ would walk 500 more just to _be_ the man that walked 1000 _miles_ to _fall_ down _at your_ —”

MCCOY: “SHUT UP, SULU! This is no time to be clowning around and wasting ammunition. Are we gonna find them, or are we gonna sit here SINGING?”

REDSHIRT: “I’m picking up some life forms, sir. In that direction.”

MCCOY: “Are they identifiable, Tyson?”

TYSON: “Yeppers—”

MCCOY: “Then will you kindly IDENTIFY them before I have a HERNIA?!!”

TYSON: “Yes, sir.”

SULU _(whispering to Riley)_ : “Phew. He’s in a mood.”

RILEY: “That’s unusual.”

TYSON: “There seem to be… two humans, three Adhetodfs, eighteen Klingons, and… one unidentifiable one, sir.”

MCCOY: “Let me see… Seriously, Tyson. Tell me again what numskull got you into Starfleet to begin with! That’s a _Vulcan_ reading you’ve got there, and you completely missed this life form over here.”

TYSON: “Ooh. What is that?”

SULU: “Now _that’s_ what I call unidentifiable.”

RILEY: “Yikers. What is that?”

ANDERSON: “Must be the alien that has control over our ship and is holding our friends captive!”

MCCOY: “Obviously! Well, what are we waiting for?”

RILEY: “Let’s DO THIS THING!!!”

SULU: “Lead onward, Tyson!”

RILEY: “Oh, and I almost forgot _(strikes up a dramatic posture)_. Phasers. On stun!”

SULU: “Good grief! You’re Captain Kirk imitation needs more help than your Scotty imitation!”

RILEY: “Oh, yeah? And I suppose _you_ —”

SULU _(punches Dr. McCoy in the nose)_ : “Bridge. Kirk here—”

MCCOY: “EEEEYYY _YYYOWW!_ All right, that’s it. I’ve had enough of this—this—TOMFOOLERY! Now you either ship up or SHAPE OUT! WAIT, no. Shape out or ship up. No! SHAPE UP OR _SHUT UP_ , I DON’T CARE WHICH! ALL I KNOW IS, YOU’RE GONNA BE _BEAMED_ UP IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR CORN-FED YAMMERING THE WHOLE TIME I’M DOWN HERE!!!”

SULU AND RILEY _(saluting)_ : “Sir, yes sir!”

MCCOY: “Good. Now… let’s get on with it!”

ANDERSON: “Sir. There is some sort of structure over there, and the life form reading signals are coming from… inside!”

MCCOY: “Good. Lets see what it is.”

SULU: ”Sir. Do you mean that we’re just going to go striding right into where Spock, Uhura, and Scotty are?”

MCCOY: “It’s our only chance!”

THE LANDING PARTY BOLDLY GOES STRIDING INSIDE THE STRUCTURE. BACK INSIDE THEY STARTED THE SHOCKING MACHINE. EVERYONE STARES AT EACH OTHER IN SILENCE FOR ABOUT 25 SECONDS.

RILEY: “heehee… Hi.”

GUARD #1: “Get them!”

RILEY: “RUN FOR IT!”

TYSON _(grabbing Riley’s arm)_ : “No, wait! They’re killing Mr. Scott!”

MCCOY: “Fire!”

SULU, TYSON AND ANDERSON FIRE THEIR PHASERS. ALL THE GUARDS FALL FLAT. MORE GUARDS RUN IN AND THEY HAVE A JOLLY OLD PUNCH FIGHT UNTIL SINISTRA ODERON PRESSES A BUTTON. SOME ELECTRONIC DEVICES ON THE WALLS EMIT A STRANGE, LOW FREQUENCY NOISE AND EVERYONE STILL STANDING FALLS OVER.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they're all way overdue on their shore leave

LATER THE LANDING PARTY ARE ALL IN A PRISON CHAINED TO THE WALL WITH SPOCK, UHURA AND SCOTTY.

SPOCK: “Really doctor? We appreciate your attempts to save us. But could you perhaps have thought up a more logical plan?”

MCCOY: ”A simple thank you would suffice, you pointy-eared… oh, never mind that. NOW what are we gonna do!?”

SULU: “Are you guys all right?”

SCOTTY: ”Och! I think so.”

UHURA: “Can you even move?”

SULU: “He can move his lips, at least. Hehe.”

MCCOY: “Shut up, Sulu.”

SULU: “Shut up? My dear, dear doctor. Now is not the time to shut up! Now is the time to talk! Think! Escape!”

RILEY WHIMPERS.

McCOY: “What is it?”

RILEY: “Aww, I broke my nail!”

SPOCK: “Fascinating.”

SCOTTY: “Well, lads, lass—we’re in a pretty pickle, indeed. But if we’re going to be thinking up a plan, we’d better do it now while it’s all—OCH, MY HEAD!”

MCCOY: “Scotty, are you all right?”

SCOTTY: “Oh, it’s terrible, Doctor!”

SPOCK: “I agree with your logic, Mr. Scott, all except for that last part. Could you kindly repeat yourself?”

MCCOY _(injecting Scotty with something)_ : “Shut up, Spock!”

MCCOY DOES HIS USUAL THING WHERE HE GETS RIGHT UP IN SPOCK’S FACE AND STARTS SNAPPING AWAY IN AN INTENSE WHISPER.

MCCOY: “ _Spock. You got zapped, too. You know what it feels like. You, of all people, should show a little compassion! And—_ ”

SPOCK: “Compassion, Doctor? The emotion is foreign to me.”

MCCOY: “Foreign? If I didn’t know you better, I’d say ‘ _Get to know compassion._ ’ But I know you, Spock. _I know you. I saw your face when Captain Kirk’s brother Sam was killed. And remember that time when Riley took over the mess hall and put green slime from the science labs in Chekov’s sandwich? I saw you ALMOST wince when he ate it and it came SQUIRTING OUT ALL OVER THE PLACE. And I remember when we accidentally ran into that invisible force field and one of the engineers got killed? Well, Spock, I can tell you this much. You have compassion in you. And it’s_ shameful _how little you use it. Well, a man is hurt. HURT, SPOCK! And when a man is hurt, I think—”_

SPOCK: “When a man is hurt, Doctor, you would do well to try and fix him up.”

MCCOY: “ _I just don’t believe you, Spock.”_

TYSON: “Dr., Mr. Spock, we were all just jawin’ over here about how we should escape, and we keep turning up blank. We were hoping that you two were on to something.”

SPOCK’S EYEBROWS SHOOT UP THREE INCHES PAST HIS HAIRLINE, AND MCCOY STRIDES TOWARDS TYSON WITH MURDER IN HIS EYES. THE ONLY THING THAT STOPS HIM IS HIS CHAIN, WHICH JERKS HIM FLAT ONTO HIS BACK.

MCCOY: “Ow! Spock, if we ever get out of this alive, I’LL KILL YOU!”

SPOCK: “And you speak of compassion? Really, Doctor.”

MCCOY: “SPOCK!!!! SO HELP ME—”

UHURA: “Shhh. Keep it down! Scotty’s asleep.”

SULU: “Doctor… He doesn’t look so good.”

MCCOY: “He’ll be fine once the shock wears off. I think.”

SPOCK: “I almost wish you had been in here, Doctor, when that Oderon entity promised to melt the _Enterprise_ down into scrap metal. I assure you, there was no compassion whatsoever in Scotty’s response.”

MCCOY: “I was talking about—wait, what?”

SPOCK: “That is why they were shocking him when you came in. He went a little—shall I say—over the edge.”

RILEY: “Just hearing _you_ say that makes _me_ want to get my hands around someone’s neck.”

SULU: “Tut, tut, tut! _KEVIN RILEY_ , that’s going against our prime directive!”

RILEY: “I don’t care about our prime directive, I want to STRANGLE SOMEBODY!”

STUNNED SILENCE FOR AT LEAST 30 MINUTES.

RILEY: “Uhhh… hehehe he he… sorry.”

MCCOY: “That’s all right. We all understand how you feel.”

SPOCK PATS DR. MCCOY ON THE HEAD.

SPOCK: “Very compassionate, Doctor.”

MCCOY: “However, our prime directive does NOT prohibit the crew from strangling each other, might I remind you, Spock!”

SPOCK: “You’re right, Doctor, but I can hardly imagine us getting out of here any time soon if we all take on that attitude.”

SCOTTY SUDDENLY JERKS AWAKE AND HIS EYES POP OPEN, MAKING EVERYONE JUMP.

UHURA: “Scotty, what is it?”

SCOTTY: “We’ve got to save the _Enterprise!!!!!!!_ ”

SPOCK: “Mr. Scott. That is what we are attempting to do.”

SCOTTY: “No, we must act ROOT NOO!”

SPOCK: “Well then, Mr. Scott, what do you propose we do?”

SCOTTY: “Och… I don’t know…! something!”

SCOTTY FALLS BACK ASLEEP.

SULU: ( _Looking very heroic.) “_ I propose…. WE BUST OUTTA HERE!!!!!!”

RILEY: “And just how are we gonna do that?”

SULU: “We must all, at the same time mind you, smash our weight against the door! So what d’ya think?”

MCCOY: “Sulu. Right now, I’d try anything.”

RILEY: “So. what are we waiting for?!”

MCCOY: “Places everyone! Spock! What are you waiting for!!???”

SPOCK: “Doctor. Have you measured the distance between us and the door?”

MCCOY: “Spock. Why must we measure every confounded step we make!?”

SPOCK: “Elementary, dear doctor. Our chains are not long enough.”

MCCOY: “Spock. I could kill you!”

SPOCK: “Why, Doctor. I am simply stating the obvious. Isn’t it obvi…”

MCCOY: “Shut UP! _(sigh)_ Good idea, Sulu, but first we must think of a way to break out of our chains.”

SULU: “NEVER FEAR! SULU’S HERE! HI-YA! YOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!”

MCCOY: “Sulu. stop clowning around! You can’t break through solid metal with YOUR BARE HANDS!!”

RILEY: “Teehee oh yeah?—uh—here goes nothing! Sulu taught me! Hi-ya!”

RILEY DOES THE THING,YOU KNOW THE THING WHERE THEY KARATE CHOP SOMETHING WITH THEIR HANDS, TO THE CHAIN AND TO EVERYONE’S SURPRISE HE SEVERS THE CHAIN RIGHT IN HALF!

RILEY: ( _After about 30 seconds)_ “I didn’t know I could do that!”

SULU: “Come Riley. You must act swiftly in our time of need! Tee-hee.”

RILEY GOES AROUND BREAKING EVERYONE’S CHAINS EXCEPT DR. MCCOY’S, WHO REFUSES.

RILEY: “YOUCH! MY poor, poor hand. It has been ruined for life! OH WHAT A HORRIBLE WORLD! WHAAAAAAAAA!”

RILEY DRAMATICALLY SINKS TO THE GROUND HOLDING HIS RIGHT HAND.

MCCOY: “Stop this ridiculousness. Let me see your hand.”

RILEY _(whimpering)_ : “Here. You won’t have to cut it off for gangrene infection, will you, Doc?”

MCCOY: “Don’t be a nincompoop, Riley. Your hand is only bruised.”

SPOCK: “Not surprising.”

SCOTTY: “Look lad… I appreciate you breakin‘ us out and all… but do you have to do it with such silly shenanigans as that?”

UHURA: “Scotty!”

MCCOY: “Well, what do you know. He lives.”

TYSON: “Glad you’re back among the land of the living, Scotty-old-lad!”

SCOTTY: “Aye, and I’m glad to be back! How long was I out for?”

MCCOY: “I don’t know.”

EVERYONE TURNS TO SPOCK.

SPOCK: “One hour and forty seven minutes, that is unless you count the relapse he had. That was sixteen minutes ago, and he was only awake for—”

MCCOY: “Thank you, Mr. Clock. Er—Spock. I mean… oh, forget it.”

SPOCK: “Which is quite a considerable amount of time, considering I only took fifty-two minutes to return to a somewhat conscious state.”

UHURA: “Well, you can’t even walk yet, Spock.”

SPOCK: “I have not attempted it yet.”

SPOCK GETS UP AND WALKS ABOUT FOUR STEPS BEFORE FALLING OVER. MCCOY CATCHES HIM.

MCCOY: “Before we bust out of here, I suggest _you_ practice walking, Spock.”

TYSON: “What about Scotty?”

MCCOY: “Do you think you might be able to stand, Scotty?”

SCOTTY: “Aye… I don’t know. I might be able to fly by the time this is over…”

SCOTTY FALLS BACK ASLEEP.

MCCOY: “Well, I guess that answers our question. We’ll have to carry him.”

TYSON: “I’ll do it.”

SPOCK: “You will most undoubtedly need help. And once I am fully recovered, I believe I shall help you.”

TYSON: “What? You? Are… you all right?”

SPOCK: “To use one of your expressions, I am fit as a fiddle.”

UHURA: “Guys, we’ve still got our communicators. Let’s give everyone back at the ship a beep to know where we are.”

SULU: “Why didn’t I think of that?”

RILEY: “Because you don’t think. Just kidding.”

MCCOY: “I’ve already tried. Our communicators are not working. Whatever that Oderon freak did when he pressed the button must have broken our communicators.”

RILEY: “Just our communicators? I thought my head was broken, too! Sulu, you see a few cracks up there?”

SULU: “No new ones.”

RILEY: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

SULU: “Well, I mean I don’t see any cracks in your head besides the ones that you were born with.”

RILEY: “WHAAAT?”

SULU: “Hehe, JK.”

TYSON: “Am I the only one who has noticed that JK are the initials of our captain, Jim Kirk?”

ANDERSON: “Tyson! Sulu! Riley! How can you joke at a moment like this? Uh, we don’t have any phasers, either, Doctor McCoy. That… _thing_ must have taken them while we were knocked out.”

MCCOY: “Spock, it’s too bad you can’t do a Vulcan mind thingummy or whatever you call it from far away. I’d love to see what you come up with on that Oderon freak.”

SPOCK: “If he comes in here again, I shall try. However, we cannot be sure that he will come in again.”

TYSON: “Uhura, you’ve been rather quiet. What are you thinking about?”

UHURA: “Well, I’m just worried about Captain Kirk and everyone else back on the _Enterprise_. I wonder what they’re thinking, since we’ve cut off all contact with them. I wonder what Oderon is doing with them.”

MCCOY: “Probably trying to get them to give up the ship. When we beamed down, though, he was doing nothing but throwing us back and forth across the universe at a very high speed—I’d estimate somewhere around Warp 12, but how should I know? I’m a doctor, not a speedometer!”

SULU: “Well, we’ve all got our chains off… well, everyone but you, Doctor. If only we could break out through that door.”

TYSON: “Will this help?”

TYSON DRAMATICALLY PULLS TWO PHASERS OUT OF EACH SOCK, TWO MORE OUT OF HIS SLEEVES, AND THREE OTHERS OUT FROM UNDER HIS SHIRT. HE HANDS THEM OUT TO EVERYONE BUT SCOTTY.

MCCOY: “Tyson… Tyson.”

SCOTTY: “You might’ve mentioned that a bit sooner, lad.”

UHURA: “He’s awakened once more!”

MCCOY: “How do you feel, Scotty?”

SCOTTY: “Och… not too well. I bet a nice bottle of Scotch would do me something, though. Have you got any of _that_ up your sleeve, Tyson?”

TYSON: “I’m sorry, Scotty. I’m surprised I managed to keep all these phasers hidden this long!”

SCOTTY _(somehow managing a laugh)_ : “That’s all right, lad.”

SULU SNEAKS UP TO DOCTOR MCCOY AND, HI-YA MUCH TO DOCTOR MCCOY’S CHAGRIN, SMACKS OFF HIS CHAINS.

MCCOY: “YOUCH! I told you I didn’t want you to try any of your shenanigans on me! It’s not healthy for someone to cut through solid metal with their bare hands. Just look at Riley!”

RILEY PITIFULLY CRADLES HIS INJURED HAND, REGARDING SULU REPROACHFULLY WITH THOSE GREAT BLUE COW EYES OF HIS. 

MCCOY: “Well, Tyson? Let’s blast the door down with that phaser before it’s too late!”

SPOCK: “Doctor, if we use our phasers, you are aware that it would cause suspicion.”

MCCOY: “Well, unless you can think up a better idea, Spock, it’s a chance we’ll have to take!”

SULU: “Everyone, get ready!”

TYSON: “I’ve got this, guys. I know egg- _zactly_ where to hit. They used to call me… the Sharp-Shootin‘-Rootin‘-Tootin‘-Phaser-Hootin‘-Tyson.”

SULU: “Oh, did they?”

SCOTTY _(laughing)_ : “And they dinna call him that for nothing. I’ve seen him in action!”

MCCOY: “Well, Tyson, fire away.”

TYSON FIRES THE PHASER (ON HIGHEST SETTING) RIGHT AT THE HINGES ON THE DOOR. IN A GIANT EXPLOSION OF BLUE AND PINK CLOUDS, THE HEAVY STONE DOOR CRASHES TO THE GROUND, REVEALING A LONG, DARK, WINDY PASSAGEWAY.

SCOTTY: “Perfect hit, lad.”

RILEY: “Well, people? Let’s go, what are waiting for?”

MCCOY: “Can you walk, Spock?”

SPOCK: “I believe so, but carrying someone, even Mr. Scott, would be out of the question.”

MCCOY: “Well, that’s just dandy. Who, may I ask, will carry him then?”

TYSON: “I will!”

RILEY: “I’ll get his legs.”

SULU: “I’ll get his arms!”

TYSON: “I think, between the three of us, Scotty will be well taken care of!”

RILEY: “Good teamwork, everyone!”

ANDERSON: “Captain Kirk would be pleased, I believe.”

UHURA: “Let’s do get out of here.”

MCCOY: “Good idea, Lieutenant. Let’s go!”

THEY HEAD OUT THE BROKEN DOOR. SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.


	8. Chapter 8

SCREEN FADES BACK ON IN THE TRANSPORTER ROOM. CAPTAIN KIRK IS PACING THE FLOOR. CHEKOV AND A YELLOW SHIRT ARE HYPERVENTILATING BY THE TRANSPORTER, AND SEVERAL BLUE SHIRTS AND REDSHIRTS ARE HUDDLED IN A CORNER, DEBATING OVER WHAT TO DO NEXT.

CHEKOV: “Captain, what are we going to do next? _(mentioning the yellow shirt)_ Finney and I can’t locate them anywhere. Whatever’s down there must have taken… their communicators!”

FINNEY: “You think? _(sighs disgustedly)_ Seriously, Ensign. Captain, if I were you, I would get the _Enterprise_ and everyone else on it outta here!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “We can’t just _leave_ them down there. Three have already died, and we’re not sure of the other eight. _(pounding his fist on the transporter)_ You just can’t throw away men’s lives like that!”

FINNEY: “Look here, captain, I know your three BFFs are down there, but you can’t risk the other 400 aboard for them. After all, as the saying goes, you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs!”

CHEKOV: “I know the saying. It originated in Russia!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “We’re not… _omelets_ , Finney, we’re men. Whether they are my friends or not doesn’t matter. What matters is that they are my crew. And when you are the captain of a starship, EVERY MEMBER on your crew is your top priority. If you were captured, most likely sentenced to die down on that planet, how would you like it if the _Enterprise_ turned tail and left you behind? Tyson, one of your best friends, is down on that planet. Should we leave him there, to suffer… and die?”

FINNEY MUMBLES AND TURNS BACK TO THE TRANSPORTER. HE AND CHEKOV ENGAGE IN A HEATED, WHISPERED ARGUMENT WHICH CAPTAIN KIRK IS NOT AWARE OF UNTIL FINNEY JUMPS STRAIGHT UP AND SLAPS CHEKOV HALFWAY ACROSS THE ROOM. CHEKOV LOOKS UP, SHOCKED.

FINNEY: “ _That’s_ what I have to say about it, you young Russian brat!”

CHEKOV, SCREAMING SOMETHING IN RUSSIAN, LEAPS UP AND FLINGS HIMSELF AT FINNEY. HE IS STOPPED, MID-JUMP, BY CAPTAIN KIRK.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Gentlemen, please! How are we ever to find them if we fight among ourselves?”

FINNEY: “I was only saying that we should get out of here.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “That’s another problem. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we have absolutely no control over the ship. This… alien entity is throwing us all over the universe, and we can do nothing to break away.”

FINNEY: “Well, let’s _find out_ how to break away!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “That would be wonderful, Mr. Finney. In fact, I suggest you do just that, rather than pick fights with Chekov, hm?”

FINNEY ROLLS HIS EYES AND GOES BACK TO FIDDLING WITH THE TRANSPORTER. CAPTAIN KIRK GOES BACK TO PACING, BUT BEFORE HE TAKES 3 STEPS HE (AND EVERYONE ELSE) IS KNOCKED AGAINST THE WALL AS THE _ENTERPRISE_ IS THROWN SIDEWAYS AND UPSIDE DOWN THROUGH SPACE.

CHEKOV: “Not again!”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(standing up and peeling his stunned crewmembers off the wall)_ : “If we ever come out of this alive, I’m going to send a formal request to Starfleet to get us a few good sets of shoulder and knee pads.”

BLUE SHIRT #1: “And safety helmets!”

BLUE SHIRT #2: “And shinguards!”

RED SHIRT #1: “If we keep this up, we’re going to look more like football players than crewmembers of a starship!”

SEVERAL BLUE SHIRTS AND RED SHIRTS LAUGH AND SLAP HIM ON THE BACK.

BLUE SHIRT #1: “Haha, good one.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Until then, I suggest we figure out a way to get this ship’s speed down. Mr. Chekov! Follow me to the bridge, please.”

CAPTAIN KIRK AND CHEKOV EXIT THE TRANSPORTER ROOM.

RED SHIRT #1: “Well, come on then, to the engine room! You know what Scotty would say if he knew about the rate we’re going.”

RED SHIRT #2: “ ‘Och, she can’t take much more of this!’ Yep.”

RED SHIRT #3: “Scotty’s only been gone for six hours, but I miss him already.”

RED SHIRT #2: “Hope he’s all right.”

RED SHIRT #3: “Me too. Huh. What would we do without our chief engineer?”

RED SHIRT #1: “He’s saved us and the _Enterprise_ more times than I can remember.”

RED SHIRT #2: “Remember the time when the Captain was stuck on the _Defiant_ when she dissolved and Scotty figured out how to get him back just in time?”

RED SHIRT #1: “Yep. Just like the time when the Captain was about to get eaten by the Doomsday Machine and the transporter was malfunctioning. Scotty managed to fix it right in the nick of time to save everyone!”

RED SHIRT #3: “Man, my hands would be shaking all over the place. I wouldn’t be able to even think straight.”

RED SHIRT #1: “Guess that’s why _Scotty’s_ the chief engineer and not _you_.”

RED SHIRT #3: “Haha, guess so. Yut yut yut.”

RED SHIRT #2: “I suggest we work extra hard to get this ship under our control again so we can save him. You heard what the Doc said when the Tholians caught us in their web.”

RED SHIRT #1: “Wait, what’d he say again?”

RED SHIRT #2: “He said, ‘If Scotty goes under, we’re done for.’”

RED SHIRT #3: “True. Without Scotty…”

RED SHIRTS _(together, imitating Dr. McCoy)_ : “We’re dead, Jim!”

THEY GO INTO THE ENGINE ROOM AND THE DOOR SLIDES SHUT BEHIND THEM. SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you’re implying that we leave you behind, you and your pointy-ears can go jump in the lake! And take your logic with you!”  
> “Why would I want to jump in a lake, Doctor?”  
> “Get over here, Spock!”

SCREEN FADES BACK ON. MCCOY, SULU, RILEY, SPOCK, UHURA, ANDERSON, TYSON AND SCOTTY ARE RUNNING ON TIPTOE DOWN THE DARK, SPIDER WEB-FILLED TUNNEL OF THE PRISON. ON EITHER SIDE OF THEM ARE DARK CELLS AND OTHER DARK PASSAGEWAYS. SEVERAL CELLS HAVE SKELETONS IN THEM. TYSON, RILEY AND SULU ARE CARRYING SCOTTY, WHO IS BITING HIS LIP TO KEEP FROM SCREAMING EVERY TIME THEY JERK HIM AROUND TOO MUCH. SPOCK IS LIMPING ALONG AS FAST AS HE CAN, BUT—ALAS—THE SHOCKING DEVICE HAS TAKEN ITS TOLL ON HIM AS WELL, AND HE IS LAST IN THE GROUP.

MCCOY: “This place is like a maze down here.”

SULU: “How are we ever going to find a way out?”

UHURA SCREAMS. INSTANTLY, MCCOY AND ANDERSON’S HANDS FLY OVER HER MOUTH.

MCCOY: “Shhh! What is it?”

UHURA: “I…I’m sorry, I thought I saw a… a…”

MCCOY: “A _what_?”

UHURA: “A… a… a _ghost_.”

SPOCK: “Really, Lieutenant. I have heard of you humans’ tendency to believe that the spirits of those long dead could come back and visit you. Most _il_ -logical!”

SPOCK STUMBLES AND ENDS UP LEANING AGAINST A WALL.

MCCOY _(leaving Uhura)_ : “Well, what’s the matter, Spock?”

SPOCK: “Nothing… nothing, Doctor.”

MCCOY: “D’you expect me to believe that? Even if I didn’t see you crash against that wall, I could tell by the tone of your voice that you were in too much pain to go on!”

SPOCK: “Pain is a thing of the mind, Doctor. I am quite all right.”

SPOCK STANDS UP, RATHER UNSTEADILY, AND TRIES TO WALK. HE IMMEDIATELY FALLS OVER. MCCOY CATCHES HIM.

SPOCK: “I suppose, it seems that I am not quite all right, after all.”

MCCOY: “I see. And I thought a Vulcan couldn’t lie.”

SULU: “He is half human, after all!”

MCCOY: “Shut up, Sulu. Well, Spock, what do we do about this.”

SCOTTY: “I’ve a brilliant idea, Doctor! You three can carry Spock like these three fine lads are doin‘ for me! It’s wonderful transportation, I’ll tell ya!”

SPOCK’S EYEBROWS SHOOT UP.

MCCOY: “No, Scotty, that’s out of the question. Well, c’mere, Spock. I’ll be your crutch.”

SPOCK: “Most illogical, Doctor.”

MCCOY: “Oh, yeah? Explain yourself, Spock.”

SPOCK: “That would only impede our speed, and speed is quite necessary if we are to reach safety.”

MCCOY: “If you’re implying that we leave you behind, you and your pointy-ears can go jump in the lake! And take your logic with you!”

SPOCK: “Why would I want to jump in a lake, Doctor?”

MCCOY _(grumbling)_ : “Get over here, Spock!”

SPOCK: “I strongly suggest that you leave me behind. Considering it is our only alternative—”

MCCOY: “ _It_ is _not_ our only alternative, our only alternative is that you get over your confounded Vulcan pride and let me help you!”

SPOCK: “Pride, Doctor? That is most illogical. I am quite able to walk—”

MCCOY _(yanking Spock over to him)_ : “Spock, in your condition you’re about as able as a tribble in an antigravity chamber! SO GET OVER HERE _NOW_! DOCTOR’S ORDERS!”

EVERYONE: “ _Shhhhhh_!”

A BRIEF MOMENT OF SILENCE AS THEY MAKE THEIR WAY DOWN THE PASSAGEWAY.

SCOTTY: “Mr. Spock… If you were about to say that pride is illogical, why then, I must say. You’re wrong, laddie!”

SPOCK: “Am I?”

SCOTTY: “Aye. It would be difficult indeed to look at the pride we have in the _Enterprise_ and call that illogical.”

EVERYONE WALKS IN SILENCE FOR A MINUTE.

SPOCK: “Hmm… Logical.”

UHURA _(sniffling a little)_ : “Wow, Scotty, that is really deep!”

TYSON: “Scotty, you never have and you never will cease to inspire me.”

SCOTTY: “Thank ya, lad.”

TYSON _(stops walking, thus bringing everyone else to a halt as well)_ : “And, uh, if we don’t get out of this alive, just want to let y’all know, I’m so glad to know you. All of you.”

ANDERSON: “Second that!”

SULU: “Third it!”

UHURA: “Fourth it!”

MCCOY: “Fifth it, now let’s get out of here! In this hallway, we’re about as safe as a deer sleeping on the shooting range in the middle of hunting season!”

RILEY: “Hey, no fair! I wanted to something it!”

TYSON: “Well, go ahead! No one’s stopping you!”

RILEY _(sniffling, stomping his feet and kicking the wall)_ : “Sixth it. But it’s still not the same!”

SPOCK: “Riley, it fascinates me that at your age of 22.2, you are still able to replicate exactly the behavior patterns of an upset human toddler. Fascinating.”

SULU, RILEY AND TYSON ARE NOT LOOKING WHERE THEY ARE GOING, AND ACCIDENTALLY DRAG SCOTTY THROUGH A BUNCH OF SPIDER WEBS STRUNG ACROSS THE CEILING.

SCOTTY _(pulling spider webs off his face)_ : “Och! Bloody hell—Watch out for that, will ya?”

SIREN STARTS GOING OFF. THE SPIDER WEBS ON THE CEILING and some others strung across the floor START FLASHING RED.

RILEY: “I’ve never seen spider webs that did that before!”

SPOCK: “Gentlemen, it appears that—”

MCCOY: “That those are escapee alarms. Right, Spock! So let’s get out of here!”

TYSON: “Phasers, people. On stun.”

SPOCK: “The “spider” “eel” tank is right around that corner. There is what appears to be some sort of drain on the southwestern side of the room. You might be able to get to it in time if you go on without me.”

MCCOY: “Don’t be a fool, Spock! That room is probably swarming with guards! The rest of you, run for that door. Now! That’s an order! I’ll stay behind and try to get us to safety another way.”

UHURA: “But, Doctor—”

MCCOY: “ _Now_ , Uhura! I’ll explain it to the Captain later!”

EVERYONE RUSHES OFF AS FAST AS THEY CAN INTO THE SPIDER EEL ROOM, AND FIND THE DRAIN. ANDERSON PULLS OFF THE OPENING.

ANDERSON _(to Uhura)_ : “Uh… eh heh… ladies first?”

UHURA: “No _thank_ you, sir!”

ANDERSON: “Ha. Oh, well. _(Dives in)_ There’s some sort of platform here! Lower Scotty down!”

SULU, RILEY AND TYSON LOWER SCOTTY DOWN INTO THE HOLE. ANDERSON HOLDS HIM UP WITH THE HELP OF A WALL UNTIL EVERYONE ELSE GETS IN. THEN TYSON TAKES OVER HOLDING HIM UP, AND ANDERSON HELPS UHURA DOWN.

ANDERSON: “This seems to be… some sort of ventilation system. Weird.”

UHURA: “Yes.”

TYSON: “Scotty, why don’t you sit down for a second?”

SCOTTY: “No! We’re not safe here! We’ve got to get out of here!”

SULU: “It’s so dark down here, I can’t see a thing.”

RILEY: “I agree with Tyson, let’s rest. I need to rest my battle wounds.”

SULU: “ _Your_ battle wounds? Ha. You’ve got a bruise on your hand.”

RILEY: “ _And_ a broken nail!”

RILEY HOLDS UP HIS HAND FOR ALL TO SEE. HE AND SULU GET INTO A HEATED ARGUMENT.

UHURA: “It’s so cramped down here… I feel faint.”

ANDERSON: “Not going to faint, I hope!? Where’s Doctor McCoy when you need him?”

UHURA: “And I’m scared. What will that Oderon entity do to us?”

ANDERSON MAKES UHURA SIT DOWN AND ATTEMPTS TO MAKE HER FEEL BETTER.

TYSON _(in a low voice)_ : “Scotty, does it still hurt? Where did you got shocked?”

SCOTTY: “Oh, I can’t remember. It hurts all over. Every time I move it feels like a bunch of ants are swarming around me with their stingers.”

TYSON: “Ants don’t have stingers.”

SCOTTY: “If only you knew what it feels like just to keep myself standing.”

TYSON: “You can sit down, you know.”

SCOTTY: “I can’t! If I do, I’ll probably go to sleep again! Och, beautiful sleep…”

TYSON: “Then let’s try and make a plan of escape.”

SCOTTY: “Go ahead, lad. I’ll try to pay attention.”

TYSON: “See those three tunnels over there? I bet those are the air ducts leading off into different rooms. I highly doubt this alien dude monitors the air ducts. We could explore this place through the air ducts. We might be able to find a way of escape that way. Maybe this alien dude has a spaceship room. You never know. Okay, that’s probably a random flight of fancy. But, _you never know_! So. Yeah. Uh… are you okay?”

SCOTTY: “Aye. Tell the Captain that Yeoman Rand left his haggis in the engine room.”

SCOTTY SLIDES DOWN THE WALL AND ALMOST CRACKS HIS HEAD ON THE CEMENT FLOOR. TYSON CATCHES HIM JUST IN TIME. EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY TURNS THEIR ATTENTION TO SCOTTY AND TYSON.

UHURA: “Oh my, is he all right?”

TYSON: “I’m not quite sure. Indeed, Anderson. Where is Dr. McCoy when you need him?”

ANDERSON _(sighs)_ : “I believe he is with Spock, because Spock just got shocked and is not fit to be gallivanting about all over the universe!”

UHURA: “Scotty got shocked, too.”

TYSON: “Uhhhmmm… guys?”

ANDERSON: “Doctor McCoy can’t just leave us like that and go off trying to save Spock. Spock’ll be fine on his own.”

TYSON: “Eh, guys?”

ANDERSON: “If we ever get out of this alive, I’m going to send in a formal complaint to Starfleet about it.”

TYSON: “ _PSSSSSSSST. PEOPLE. SHHHHHHHH._ ”

ANDERSON STOPS RANTING. UHURA, RILEY AND SULU STARE UP AT TYSON, WHO POINTS TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE DRAIN LID. THERE ARE VOICES COMING FROM UP ABOVE.

SINISTRA ODERON: “WHERE _ARE_ THEY?

GUARD #1: “Well, they were here a minute ago.”

ODERON: “Well, where are they NOW!”

GUARDS LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

GUARD #2: “Search me, boss.”

ODERON: “DEAAHHHH!”

A LOUD SPLASH IS HEARD, FOLLOWED BY THE SOUNDS OF TWO PEOPLE TRYING TO CLAMBER OUT OF SOMETHING. A SPIDER EEL TANK, PERHAPS. RILEY BITES HIS UNBROKEN NAILS, FIGHTING BACK GIGGLES. SULU LIGHTLY SMACKS HIM.

SULU _(mouthing the word silently)_ : “Shut up!”

ODERON: “Wait. Did you hear that?”

GUARD #1: “Hear what, chief?”

GUARD #2: “I didn’t hear anything, chief.”

ODERON: “Sheddep, you insolent fool! I should trust my ears over yours.”

GUARDS _(together)_ : “Oh, yes. Right, chief.”

ODERON: “ _SHEDDEP!!!!_ ”

ODERON KICKS THE GUARDS BACK INTO THE TANK.

ODERON: “All right, you two. I want you to get out of there and start acting your age.”

GUARD #1: “Uhhh… but chief. You’re the one who kicked us _into_ —”

ODERON: “I want you to gather all the guards and make a full sweep of the whole place. Prison! Lab! Garage! Now! Go! _(to himself)_ Neeeaaauuuuhhh.”

ODERON STALKS OUT OF THE ROOM. THE GUARDS FOLLOW.

RILEY _(whispering)_ : “That was close.”

TYSON: “Did you hear what he said?”

SULU: “Yes, I heard. He was screaming. How could I not hear?”

TYSON: “He said ‘garage.’ And I’m thinking, in this day and age, he doesn’t mean a garage for cars.”

UHURA: “Cars, sir?”

ANDERSON: “What on earth is a car?”

RILEY _and_ SULU: “What they said.”

TYSON: “Oh, never mind. The point is, we’re going to have to get to that garage.”

ANDERSON: “Oooohhh. You mean, you think there’s a rocket in that garage?”

TYSON: “Something like that, yeah. If you remember, there’s a garage on the _Enterprise_ , too.”

SULU _(snapping his fingers)_ : “The hangar deck!”

RILEY CLAPS HIS HANDS, REMEMBERS HIS “WAR WOUND,” AND WINCES IMMEDIATELY.

TYSON: “We have to find that garage, people!”

SULU: “How? Should we split up?”

ANDERSON: “Helmsman, in our condition, that would be suicide.”

SULU: “Oh, please. Call me Sulu!”

RILEY: “It sounds like a cross between ‘Sue’ and ‘Lu,’ both of which are girls’ names.”

SULU: “Well, might I remind you, Mr. Riley, that most people named ‘Riley’ in the universe are girls.”

RILEY: “No fair! Different spelling!”

SULU: “No. But it sounds the same!”

RILEY: “And how does it sound?”

SULU: “Epic.”

RILEY: “Awww… I’m touched.”

ANDERSON: “The real problem is, how are we going to get around while Scotty is in this condition?”

UHURA: “How long will he be like this?”

TYSON: “I don’t know. I’m an engineer, not a doctor!”

ANDERSON: “If he were awake, he’d probably try and make us leave him behind. Well, right now, that seems to be the most logical thing to do.”

RILEY: “Oh, no. Not you, too.”

TYSON: “It may be the most logical thing to do, but that is not the question here; the question is whether it’s the _right_ thing to do. We’re not leaving him here alone. End of discussion.”

ANDERSON: “But Mr. Tyson—”

TYSON: “Neaahpapapapa!”

ANDERSON: “Listen to me! This is a somewhat remotely safe place, right here! We can go off without him, get rid of that Oderon feller, get the _Enterprise_ back, and then beam him back on board. If we take him along, he’ll be in more danger than if he stays here!”

TYSON: “We don’t know how long it will take us to get rid of Oderon, if we get rid of him at all. Scotty could be stuck in here forever. Besides, he’s been having hallucinations. If he woke up and started screaming, the guards would definitely find him. Could you imagine what they would do to him, trying to make him give up information about us?”

EVERYONE STARES AT EACH OTHER FOR ABOUT A MINUTE.

RILEY: “Wow, you think of everything, Tyson.”

SULU: “In his condition, he might even give them some answers… without even knowing what he was doing.”

ANDERSON: “I’d never thought of that. Very well, take him along, then.”

THEY HEAD OFF ALONG THE PASSAGEWAY.

SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.


	10. Chapter 10

BACK IN THE TUNNEL SPOCK AND BONES ARE TRYING TO STAY HIDDEN AND FIND A WAY OUT. BUT THEIR PROGRESS IS SLOW FOR MANY REASONS.

MCCOY: “Could you move any faster Spock!”

SPOCK: “I’m trying, Doctor!”

MCCOY: “I’m… sorry. I don’t know what it feels like. Take your time.”

SPOCK: “Much gratified, Doctor.”

FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD COMING DOWN THE HALLWAY. MANY FOOTSTEPS, FROM MANY GUARDS.

MCCOY: “Stop! Listen.”

SPOCK: “They’re coming, McCoy!”

MCCOY: “Let’s keep moving then!”

SPOCK: “I am afraid I can no….longer…..move.”

SPOCK FALLS OVER.

MCCOY: “Well try to keep quiet!”

SPOCK _(half standing)_ : “NO! NO! WE HAVE GOT TO SAVE THE **_ENTERPRISE_** **!!!!!** THEY’RE COMING! RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!”

MCCOY: “Spock! Shut up! They’ll hear you!”

SPOCK FALLS ONTO HIS HANDS AND KNEES ON THE FLOOR.

SPOCK _(in a quiet voice)_ : “I… am sorry. I cannot save you…”

SPOCK FALLS COMPLETELY FLAT. MCCOY KNEELS NEXT TO HIM.

MCCOY _(in an intense whisper)_ : “Save _who_? Spock? Spock? Spock!!!!”

GUARD #1 _(coming around the bend)_ : “HEY! Look! There are the prisoners!! Get them! Haha!”

THE GUARDS AIM WHAT LOOKS LIKE GUNS AT THE TWO UNFORTUNATES (they are actually “blasters,” from that movie star wars). MCCOY MOVES IN FRONT OF SPOCK, BLOCKING HIM FROM THE BLAST ( _how heroic_ ). THE DUMB GUARDS, THINKING THEY HAVE BLASTED THEM BOTH SUFFICIENTLY, LIFT THEM UP AND CART THEM DOWN THE HALLWAY.

LITTLE DO THEY KNOW, SPOCK IS STILL VERY MUCH AWAKE, AND IS GETTING HIS SANITY BACK.

SPOCK OPENS HIS EYES, AND SEES MCCOY, WHO IS DRAPED OVER THE BACK OF A VERY ROUGH LOOKING KLINGON GUARD.

SPOCK _(whispering)_ : “McCoy…”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, you'll see an in-text author's note to someone named "Rayna." Rayna was one of our less enthusiastic co-authors. Name changed to protect privacy.

TYSON, SCOTTY, UHURA, SULU, RILEY, AND ANDERSON ARE TRYING TO FIND THEIR WAY THROUGH A WINDY PASSAGE WAY.

UHURA: “Has he woken up, yet?

SCOTTY TURNS HIS FACE TOWARDS THE SOUND OF UHURA’S VOICE, AND HIS EXPRESSION IS THAT OF A MAN WHO IS ENDURING GREAT PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL AGONY. YES, RAYNA, THIS IS A GREAT LINE INDEED. NO, RAYNA, YOU MAY NOT DELETE THIS.

SULU: “Not yet, but it ain’t gonna be long!”

TYSON: “Poor Scotty. I wonder how Bones & Spock are doing. Boy! I hope they don’t get caught!”

RILEY: “Yeah. That would be bad. We would have to go save them. And I’d probably break my nails in the process.”

SULU: “KEVIN! This is not a laughing matter!”

RILEY: “Sorry.”

ANDERSON: “Well, we better hurry if we want to catch up to Spock and Bones. They’re probably way ahead!”

SULU: “Shhh. Quiet. I think I hear some one above us!”

THEY HEAR MUFFLED VOICES OF THE GUARDS ABOVE.

GUARD 1: “Well, phase one of the plan is complete. Chief’s locked their ship in orbit around the planet. Ha.”

GUARD 2: “They all thought they were so great—wait till they find out we’ve got two of them locked up!”

GUARD 1: “We better take them to chief before they get away.”

GUARD 2: “Like they can, dummy! They’re like, uh, unconscious.”

GUARD 1 ( _Importantly)_ : ”Well, let me tell you something. When I show chief I’m gonna be promoted!” 

GUARD 2: “Ta more like DE-moted!”

GUARD 1: “SHUT UP!”

GUARD 2: “YOU SHUT UP!”

GUARD 3: “Silenzio, puh _-leeze_!

UHURA, TYSON, SCOTTY, SULU, RILEY, AND ANDERSON LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN HOLY HORROR.

RILEY: ( _Quietly)_ “Uh-oh.” 

SULU: “Now what are we gonna do?”

TYSON _(whispering)_ : “He locked the ship in orbit… That means…”

ANDERSON: “Shh! Quiet!”

GUARD #1: “DID YOU HEAR THAT?”

GUARD # 2: “What? I don’t hear anything.”

GUARD # 1: “I HEARD SOMEONE!”

GUARD #2: “Ha. It was your own stomach.”

GUARD #3: “Speaking of stomachs, I’m hungry, and it’s lunchtime. Let’s go, already.”

Guard #1: “Fine, you guys go on! But _I’m_ gonna stay and check out the area! And get PROMOTED!”

GUARDS 2 AND 3 SWAGGER OFF, MAKING TAUNTING REMARKS ABOUT GUARD 1.

RILEY WHISPERS: “Oh, no. I feel it coming! I’m gonna sneeze!”

EVERYONE except SCOTTY: “Riley. No.”

RILEY: “No! Oh, no! I’m gonna, I’m gonn—I’m gon—I’m go—I uh, I ah, I ah… ah, here she comes… deeeAHHHHH…. _CHOO_!”

GUARD 1 PEEKS INTO THE VENT.

GUARD 1: “What the?”

SULU: “ ** _REIIIIIIIIIIIILLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY_**!”

SULU’S SCREAM ECHOES DOWN THE AIR DUCTS.

RILEY: “Ahhhh!”

UHURA _(panicking)_ : “Okay… don’t panic, don’t panic!”

ANDERSON: “DON’T PANIC? WHAT ELSE ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?”

TYSON: “Run!”

THE GUARD ATTEMPTS TO BREAK INTO THE VENT WITH HIS BARE HANDS.

GUARD #1: “Get back here, you numbskulls!”

RILEY LEADS THE WAY, APOLOGIZING PROFUSELY ALL THE WAY, TYSON AND ANDERSON DRAG SCOTTY ALONG, UHURA RUNS LETTING OUT EAR-PIERCING SHRIEKS, AND SULU RUNS AFTER RILEY, SCREAMING UNINTELLIGIBLE NOISES.

GUARD #1: “Hey! Everyone! I’ve got them! Oh, boy. Chief’s so gonna promote me! Haha! I’ve probably got the whole crew, right here!”

THE GUARD BREAKS INTO THE VENT AND STARTS CHARGING DOWN THE SHAFT, FIRING OFF HIS BLASTER AS HE GOES. THIS ACCOMPLISHES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING EXCEPT FOR WASTING AMMUNITION AND TEARING HUGE HOLES IN THE SHAFT.

GUARD #1: “Come back here, happy meal!”

ANDERSON: “He’s gonna kill us! Gonna kill us!! Gonna kill us!!!”

UHURA: “AHHHH!”

RILEY: “I’m sorry, guys, I’m sorry…”

SULU: “AHBSFHAWEHFUHGJDFHG!!”

UHURA: “What are we going to do?”

TYSON: “There’s a turn up ahead! Quick!”

GUARD 1: “Haha! Run, yes, run, you little rats! You can run but you can’t hide. From me, that is! Hahahahaha! Cowards!”

SULU: “Coward, yourself!”

ANDERSON: “Sulu, don’t engage!”

TYSON: “This way!”

ANDERSON: “AHHHH!”

TYSON SWERVES OFF AT THE LAST SECOND, TURNING INTO A TIGHT PASSAGEWAY. THE GUARD KEEPS CHARGING STRAIGHT AHEAD.

GUARD 1: “Hahaha! You’re no match for—OOF!”

THE GUARD SLAMS HIS HEAD INTO AN OVERHANG.

TYSON: “Phasers! On stun!”

TYSON AND SULU FIRE THEIR PHASERS AT THE GUARD. HE IMMEDIATELY FALLS OVER UNCONCIOUS.

RILEY: “Nice shot, Su!”

SULU: “Thanks, Ri!”

ANDERSON: “He’ll be waking up soon. Let’s get out of here!”

TYSON: “An excellent idea, Mr. Anderson! This way.”

TYSON TRIES TO TAKE OFF ALONG ANOTHER AIR DUCT, BUT IS STOPPED BY ANDERSON.

ANDERSON: “Are you all right?”

RILEY: “Besides being _completely_ out of breath, yes.”

SULU: “He was talking to Uhura.”

RILEY TURNS BEET RED.

RILEY: “Oh. Right. Well, you don’t have to look at me like that!”

TYSON: “Come on, people!”

UHURA: “I’m all right, thank you!”

RILEY: “Hey, guys, _let’s go already_!”

THEY START OFF ALONG THE AIR DUCT.

TYSON: “Hang on! Where’s Scotty?”

ANDERSON: “I thought you had him!”

SULU: “What?”

EVERYONE: “AHHH!”

THEY TAKE OFF BACK THE WAY THEY CAME, AND DISCOVER SCOTTY LYING NEXT TO THE INCUMBENT GUARD.

ANDERSON: “Brilliant work, Mr. Tyson. When you and Sulu pulled the phaser on the guard, you must have dropped him! I can only imagine how _that_ would have turned out.”

TYSON: “I don’t want to imagine. Let’s go!”

THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN.

UHURA: “It’s getting… darker!”

RILEY _(nervously)_ : “I don’t suppose there are any… spiders… in here, are there?”

ANDERSON: “Seriously. Of all things!”

TYSON: “Guys! Good news! I think this ventilation system is our way out!”

SULU: “What makes you think that?”

TYSON POINTS UP AHEAD, TO A TINY SHAFT OF LIGHT.

ANDERSON: “What? Our eyes aren’t as good as yours, Tyson!”

TYSON: “It’s a window! Come on!”

SULU: “A _what_?”

ANDERSON _(muttering under his breath)_ : “What now. Jump into a drain. Run around in the ventilation system. Come look out a window that probably opens up RIGHT INTO Oderon’s torture chamber! Next thing you know, he’s going to ask us to jump off a cliff.”

SULU: “You rant about the randomest things, my friend.”

TYSON: “Just a few more steps.”

SUDDENLY, EVERYONE FINDS THEMSELVES FALLING DOWN INTO A LARGE HOLE IN THE FLOOR WHICH THEY MISSED IN THE SHADOWS.

RILEY: “Ahhhh! Help me!!”

UHURA SCREAMS.

SCREEN FADES TO BLACK!


	12. Chapter 12

CAPTAIN KIRK IS IN THE BRIDGE, STARING OUT THE SCREEN.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What’s our status, Mr. Chekov?”

CHEKOV: “Slowing down, sir! Sensors indicate… someone… or something is pulling us into orbit around a planet!”

CAPTAIN KIRK STANDS UP.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Morturus.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhura isn't have any of your self-sacrificing nonsense today, spaceboys.

TYSON IS THE FIRST TO GET HIS SENSES BACK. THEY ARE LYING ON A PLATFORM OF SOME KIND. UPON FURTHER LOOKING AROUND, HE DISCOVERS THEY _ARE_ ON A PLATFORM, HIGH IN THE AIR. THE PLATFORM LEADS TO THE DOOR OF A SHUTTLECRAFT. UPON _FURTHER_ -FURTHER LOOKING AROUND, TYSON DISCOVERS THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL DIFFERENT LEVELS TO THIS ROOM—BENEATH THE PLATFORM THEY LANDED ON, THERE IS ANOTHER PLATFORM, WITH ANOTHER SHUTTLECRAFT, AND BENEATH THAT ONE…

TYSON: “They’re Starfleet design. Huh. I bet Sinistra Oderon stole them. Guys! Wake up!”

RILEY: “Ohhh… my head…”

SULU: “What happened?”

TYSON: “I believe we fell through that shaft up there.”

HE POINTS AT THE CEILING, WHICH IS A GOOD TWO FEET ABOVE THEIR HEADS.

UHURA: “That was quite a fall.”

ANDERSON: “Tell me about it. Tyson, why on earth?”

TYSON: “Okay! Is _everyone all right_?”

RILEY: “Roll call, everyone! Anderson!”

ANDERSON: “Roll call? Are you serious?”

RILEY: “Cool. Uhura!”

UHURA: “Yes, Riley.”

RILEY: “Awesome. Tyson!”

TYSON: “Here.”

RILEY: “Good. Riley! Haha. Here!”

SULU AND ANDERSON ROLL THEIR EYES.

RILEY _(looking doubtfully over at Scotty lying there)_ : “Uh… Scotty?”

SCOTTY: “Here, lad.”

UHURA: “Scotty!”

UHURA RUNS OVER AND GRABS HIS HAND.

RILEY: “Scotty, you’re awake!”

TYSON: “Are you okay?”

SCOTTY _(sitting up)_ : “Where are we? Are we on the _Enterprise_?”

TYSON _(pulling Scotty up to a standing position)_ : “No, we’re in a shuttlebay of some sort. Still on Oderon’s base.”

SULU: “Riley, what about me?”

RILEY: “What about you?”

SULU: “Ha. You never called my name, Rile.”

RILEY: “Whoops! Must have forgot.”

SULU: “Riley! How could you?”

RILEY: “I’m KIDDING. Sulu, you’re unforgettable.”

SCOTTY: “Look at that, will ya? Those shuttlecrafts are Starfleet design!”

TYSON: “You know what that means!”

SCOTTY: “Aye.”

ANDERSON: “Yes, it means Oderon must have stolen them all. But how? There are at least 100 of them!”

UHURA: “I think what they’re trying to say is, since they’re Starfleet design, we already know how to operate them!”

SCOTTY: “Aye, that’s it, lass!”

RILEY: “Then what are we waiting for? Let’s go!”

RILEY LEADS THE WAY INTO THE SHUTTLECRAFT, CLOSELY FOLLOWED BY SULU, UHURA AND ANDERSON. ONCE EVERYONE IS SEATED, RILEY LOOKS AROUND.

RILEY: “Scotty? Tyson? Aren’t you guys gonna come in?”

SCOTTY: “One second, lad. We have to get the launch bay door open, and there are no controls for that inside the shuttlecraft.”

RILEY: “Oh. Right.”

SULU: “Hurry up and get in! We’re not leaving you here.”

TYSON: “Appreciate it.”

SCOTTY: “We’re hurrying!”

THEY FIDDLE AROUND WITH THE CONTROLS ON THE WALL UNTIL FINALLY, ONE OF THE DOORS IN THE WALL SLIDES OPEN. AN ALARM BEGINS TO SOUND.

TYSON: “Oh, great.”

RILEY _(from shuttlecraft)_ : “Run!”

TYSON AND SCOTTY LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

TYSON: “We can’t.”

RILEY: “Why not?”

SCOTTY: “This lever’s got to be held down for the doors to stay open! I can’t take my hand off or they’ll slam shut, leaving us all trapped! I’ll stay behind.”

TYSON: “And I’m staying with you!”

SCOTTY: “Laddie. It only requires one person. They need you up there.”

TYSON: “Nuh-uh. Not gonna leave my post.”

SCOTTY: “Please, Tyson, just go back to the _Enterprise_!”

TYSON: “Make me!”

SCOTTY: “And _how_ , exactly, do you expect me to go about that?”

UHURA _(getting out of the shuttlecraft)_ : “No one is staying behind!”

TYSON: “How do you mean?”

UHURA _(taking off her tricorder)_ : “We can just use this to hold the lever down!”

TYSON: “But, Uhura, that’s the only tricorder we have left that actually works!”

GUARDS’ FOOTSTEPS SOUND SOMEWHERE BENEATH THEM.

GUARD: “Who opened that door? Halt, whoever you are!”

UHURA FASTENS THE TRICORDER TO THE LEVER, AND RUNS BACK TO THE SHUTTLCRAFT. SCOTTY AND TYSON FOLLOW CLOSE BEHIND. THEY ALL TAKE FLYING LEAPS INTO IT AND LAND IN A TANGLED HEAP ON THE FLOOR.

SCOTTY _(struggling out from the tangled heap)_ : “Start her up, Mr. Sulu!”

SULU GUNS THE ENGINE AND FLIES THE SHUTTLE OUT THE OPEN DOOR. IN NO TIME AT ALL, THEY ARE FLYING OVER BARREN WASTELAND.

SCOTTY: “What a planet.”

SULU: “No wonder Oderon wanted to build a base here. Who would ever want to come to a place like this?”

TYSON: “Anyone, if they had the right reason.”

RILEY _(crawling over to a seat)_ : “I just broke another nail!”

ANDERSON: “Who cares?”

SULU: “It’ll grow back, Rile!”

TYSON: “Look, there’s the _Enterprise_! Locked in orbit around the planet!”

SULU: “Wow, that’s way up there!”

SCOTTY: “Steer upwards, lad!”

RILEY: “We’re going to make it! I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my entire life!!!”

SULU: “Well, I don’t know Rile… What about when you look in the mirror every morning?”

RILEY _(smiling)_ : “Oh, honestly, now.”

ANDERSON: “Oh, would you two just—”

SCOTTY: “Almost there…”

SULU: “I estimate about two hundred meters!”

SCOTTY: “I wonder what a sight she’ll be on the inside after that confounded Oderon got control of her!”

SULU: “What if he killed everyone and left them lying all over the decks?”

ANDERSON: “Great. Thanks for that image, Sulu.”

TYSON: “The bright side of it is, if everyone’s dead, we won’t have to explain about why Spock and Dr. McCoy aren’t with us! Ha, haha! Hahahaha… yeah.”

ANDERSON: “Do shut up.”

UHURA: “You don’t really think they’re… _dead_ , do you?”

ANDERSON: “Oh, of course not. They’re probably safe and sound.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This. This is my favorite chapter in the entire thing.

SCREEN FADES BACK ON. SPOCK AND MCCOY ARE IN A DARK ROOM, TIED TO EACH OTHER, BACK TO BACK. THEIR HANDS ARE UNBOUND. THEY ARE COMPLETELY ALONE.

SPOCK: “Dr. McCoy?”

SPOCK MIND-MELDS MCCOY TO WAKE HIM UP.

SPOCK: “Are you all right?”

MCCOY: “Oh… my head. What happened, Spock? Where are we? What did you do, now?”

SPOCK: “Doctor, do try to keep your voice down. We are alone, and have a very good chance of escape.”

MCCOY: “Escape? How? You can’t even walk! I think!”

SPOCK: “I shall do my best!”

MCCOY: “We seem to be alone… in some sort of… is that a Klingon foosball table?”

SPOCK: “Affirmative. I was fully conscious the whole time. Some guards captured us, tied us up, and left us in here. It appears to be… their recreation center. Highly illogical.”

MCCOY: “I didn’t even know Oderon would let them have a recreation center!”

SPOCK: “What fascinates me is that they have not yet told Oderon. Or perhaps they have. In that case, it leads me to wonder why we have not yet been locked in a cell. It has been approximately two hours.”

MCCOY: “And how many seconds?”

SPOCK: “I cannot tell the exact second without the aid of the ship’s computers. However, if you would like the number of MINUTES, it has been exactly two hours, twenty four minutes.”

MCCOY: “Well, Spock, if you know so much, tell me how we’re going to get out of here!”

SPOCK: “Very carefully. First, we must stand up, slowly and simultaneously.”

THEY SLOWLY STAND UP, “SIMULTANEOUSLY.”

MCCOY: “Spock, do you always have to use words that have at least four syllables in them?”

SPOCK: “That is _il_ -logical, considering I do not, Doctor.”

MCCOY: “Well, now that we’re standing, what are we going to do?”

SPOCK: “Obviously, we shall have to employ the use of the Klingon foosball table. You know how each pole is tipped with a spike, for the purpose of jabbing their opponents?”

MCCOY: “You would be the one to know that, now wouldn’t you?”

SPOCK: “Now. We must slowly step rightwards. Careful, Doctor, watch your step. We do not want to fall against the—”

MCCOY LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS OVER, BRINGING SPOCK DOWN WITH HIM. WITH A QUICK MOVE ON SPOCK’S PART, HE MANAGES TO TWIST IN THE AIR. HE LANDS ON TOP OF MCCOY, SEVERING THE ROPE ON THE WAY DOWN, GETTING ONLY A FEW SCRATCHES. MCCOY, BESIDES BEING “SPOCK-SQUASHED,” IS PERFECTLY FINE.

MCCOY _(muffled)_ : “Smook, you boon-ood _hooboobloo_! GOODOOF MOO HOOD!”

SPOCK: “My apologies.”

MCCOY: “Thank you! Well. There’s only one thing I have to say.”

SPOCK: “Indeed. What, may I ask, is that?”

MCCOY: “How are we going to get out of here? There are probably guards everywhere!”

SPOCK: “Shhh. Keep your voice down. I have a plan.”

MCCOY: “Oh, how unusual. What now, Spock?”

SPOCK: “Do you still have your medical pack with you?”

MCCOY: “No… the guards didn’t take it. Oddly enough.”

SPOCK: “They are most illogical. Well, here is my plan. There are two guards just outside. I shall Vulcan-grip one of them. You must give one of the guards a small shot of anesthetic. I shall mind meld him, and try to figure out a way of defeating or at least weakening Oderon.”

MCCOY: “Sounds good to me. Anything to get out of this place. No offense, Spock, but being stuck in a fortress with _you_ for the rest of my life doesn’t exactly sound pleasant.”

SPOCK: “I suppose it wouldn’t change your mind to know that we are in complete agreement on that fact.”

MCCOY: “Spock, you—”

SPOCK: “Another time, please. For now, we must escape while we still can.”

THEY SNEAK TO THE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE ARE TWO GUARDS ON EITHER SIDE. SPOCK VULCAN-GRIPS ONE OF THE GUARDS, AND MCCOY INJECTS THE OTHER BEFORE HE KNOWS WHAT’S HIT HIM. SPOCK CAREFULLY LOWERS THEM BOTH TO THE FLOOR.

MCCOY: “Well, mind-meld him! Quick!”

SPOCK: “Patience, Doctor.”

SPOCK MIND MELDS THE GUARD.

SPOCK: “Fascinating.”

MCCOY: “What?”

AFTER ABOUT A MINUTE, SPOCK LOOKS AT MCCOY.

SPOCK: “Doctor, our situation, though perilous, is most interesting! This Oderon fellow we are dealing with is no ordinary alien. He is a most highly complex android.”

MCCOY: “Well, we’ve taken out computers before. M-5. Nomad. Landru. Norman. Vaal. But for the first four, we had Jim to convince them to shut themselves down. And with Vaal, we had power from the _Enterprise_. So, tell me, how can we defeat this one?”

SPOCK: “There is a complex electronic system, almost like a power grid, built underneath this base, which he is attached to. His ability to control us most likely stems from that system… it contains a large, far reaching energy field, which he managed to broadcast into space and grab our starship. He also managed to broadcast his voice using the same wavelength. However, once the _Enterprise_ was caught in the beam, it drained his power supply drastically. Unfortunately, the guard didn’t seem to know much else… of anything. Now would appear to be the most logical time to find that power grid.”

MCCOY: “And hit him where he’s weakest! Well, let’s get to it!”

SPOCK: “While you were unconscious, I made some modifications to your medical scanner.”

MCCOY: “Hooo-WHAT?”

SPOCK: “It is rather like a tricorder now. It can sense powerful electric currents.”

MCCOY: “Well, Spock, I trust you know how to put it back together?”

SPOCK: “We shall see. For now, however, we must search. Follow me, Doctor.”

THEY WALK AROUND FOR A WHILE, SCANNING THE WALLS AND FLOOR. THEY QUIETLY WALK AROUND IN THE DESERTED HALLWAY. SUDDENLY, THE NEW TRICORDER STARTS BEEPING.

MCCOY: “Aha!”

SPOCK FEELS AROUND THE WALL, AND SLIDES BACK A HIDDEN PANEL.

SPOCK: “Fascinating.”

MCCOY: “Shall we go in?”

SPOCK: “After you.”

THEY CRAWL THROUGH THE HOLE, MAKING SURE TO CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM. THEY FIND THEMSELVES IN A HUGE ROOM FULL OF CONTROL SWITCHES, WIRES, AND LEVERS.

MCCOY: “Wow. It’s going to be harder to figure this complex place out than doing a brain transplant. And I should know, I’ve done it before.”

SPOCK: “Yes, I remember. I was there.”

MCCOY: “Well, Spock, here’s the control center. Let’s get to work.”

MCCOY GRINS A MISCHIEVOUS GRIN. SPOCK DOESN’T GRIN, BUT AN UNMISTAKEABLE GLEAM COMES INTO HIS EYE.

SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.


	15. Chapter 15

SCREEN FADES BACK ON… IN THE TRANSPORTER ROOM! THERE IS SMOKE EVERYWHERE. CHEKOV, FINNEY AND RILEY ARE SCURRYING AROUND BACK AND FORTH, MAKING SMALL REPAIRS TO THE TRANSPORTER UNDER SCOTTY’S DIRECTION. ALL THAT CAN BE SEEN OF SCOTTY ARE A COUPLE OF LEGS STICKING OUT FROM UNDER THE TRANSPORTER CONTROL CONSOLE.

SCOTTY: “Try that, lads!”

FINNEY FLIPS A SWITCH. THE TRANSPORTER CONTROL PAD SHOOTS OUT SOME MORE SPARKS.

FINNEY: “No good, Mr. Scott!”

SCOTTY: “Okay… Chekov, hold this for me, will ya? Okay… okay… Try this one, Riley!”

RILEY PRESSES A BUTTON, AND LEAPS BACK. HE IS NOT DISAPPOINTED. THE TRANSPORTER SENDS OUT ANOTHER SHOWER OF SPARKS AND SMOKE IN A SMALL EXPLOSION.

CHEKOV: “No good, sir!”

SCOTTY: “Och, this transporter!”

FINNEY: “We can’t give up, yet!”

CHEKOV: “No, indeed!”

SCOTTY: “Who said anything about givin‘ up? Maybe if I just connect these wires down here… and then… yes… There, that ought to do it! Try her again, Riley!”

RILEY PRESSES A BUTTON AGAIN, TURNING THE TRANSPORTER ON. THE TRANSPORTER, FOR ONCE, DOESN’T BREAK.

FINNEY and CHEKOV: “We did it! Yes!”

SCOTTY COMES SLIDING OUT FROM UNDER THE TRANSPORTER CONTROLS. HIS FACE AND PART OF HIS REDSHIRT IS DYED BLACK FROM THE TRANSPORTER SMOKE.

SCOTTY: “That wasn’t so bad, was it? Good work, lads!”

RILEY: “I’ve located Spock and Dr. McCoy! Shall I beam them up?”

SCOTTY: “Yes, do, lad! And hurry!”

RILEY and FINNEY SLOWLY AND TENTATIVELY ATTEMPT TO BEAM UP SPOCK AND MCCOY. CHEKOV HOPS UP AND DOWN NERVOUSLY, AND SCOTTY LEANS AGAINST THE TRANSPORTER, PRAYING THAT IT DOESN’T BREAK.

IT DOESN’T! SPOCK AND MCCOY ARE BEAMED UP SUCCESSFULLY!

CHEKOV: “Yes!”

FINNEY: “It worked! For once.”

SCOTTY: “I’m so glad to see you back again!”

CHEKOV: “I seen you can walk again, Meester Spock.”

SPOCK: “Affirmative, and now I must see the Captain. Oderon is an android. He can be destroyed by a central switch.”

TYSON _(running in)_ : “I came as soon as I heard! Here’s a map of Oderon’s entire base. Snatched it from the guard’s pocket in the ventilation shaft.”

SPOCK: “Tyson, that will be of enormous help in locating the central control switch. Perhaps we can repair the transporter, beam down, find the switch, and deactivate Oderon before he destroys any other things. We must tell the Captain. McCoy, Tyson, follow me. Scotty, you too.”

SCOTTY: “Well, can’t I change my shirt first? I mean, look at it! Not to mention my face!”

SPOCK: “Mr. Scott, time is of the essence.”

SCOTTY: “Och, all right, then!”

THEY ALL FOLLOW SPOCK OUT, LEAVING CHEKOV AND FINNEY ALONE IN THE TRANSPORTER ROOM.

CHEKOV _(through intercom)_ : “Transporter room to Captain Kirk! Captain! Meester Spock and Dr. McCoy have been beamed aboard, sir! Both seef! Phew!”

SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.


	16. Chapter 16

SCREEN FADES BACK ON IN ODERON’S FORTRESS. ODERON IS PACING AROUND, THINKING UP EVIL WAYS TO TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE. SUDDENLY, HE NOTICES THAT ALL HIS SCANNERS ARE GOING DARK. CHECKING OVER THEM, AND READING HIS SENSORS, HE DISCOVERS THAT THE ENERGY FIELD HE IS USING TO HOLD THE _ENTERPRISE_ IN PLACE IS DRAINING. HE CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW.

ODERON: “Guards!”

FIVE GUARDS COME RUNNING IN.

ODERON: “Do you see this?”

GUARDS: “Uhh… See what, boss?”

ODERON: “This, you fools! Their starship, our ONLY WAY OF GETTING OFF THIS CONFOUNDED PLANET, is escaping! And, according to my sensors, EVERY SINGLE CREWMEMBER IS LEFT ON BOARD! _EVERY LAST STINKIN‘ ONE OF THEM_!”

GUARD 1: “But… what about… oh. Oh, no.”

GUARD 2: “You didn’t let the prisoners escape, did you, dumbbell?”

GUARD 1: “No, that was you, you numbskull!”

THE GUARDS START UP A FIGHT.

ODERON: “SIIILLLLEEEENNNNCCCEEEE! I’LL HANG THE NEXT KLINGON THAT MOVES!!!! If I don’t get her back—uhhh, I meant, eh—IT back—in three seconds, I am going to destroy everything within a sixteen-hundred light-year radius!”

THE GUARDS STOP FIGHTING AND MEEKLY GO ABOUT THEIR WORK.

ODERON INCREASES THE POWER AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, TRYING TO PULL THE _ENTERPRISE_ BACK.

ODERON: “I need every last one of you working on those controls down there! Turn the generators! Pump your arms off if you have to! Neeeaaauuuhh. ( _To himself)_ Ha. Well, Kirk. Thought you could escape, did you? Ha. You’re not getting away that easy, _Enterprise_. No, indeed.”


	17. Chapter 17

MEANWHILE, ON THE _ENTERPRISE_ :

WHEN ODERON APPLIES MORE POWER TO HIS ENERGY FIELD, IT SENDS EVERYONE SPRAWLING ACROSS THE FLOOR. CAPTAIN KIRK GETS THROWN FROM HIS CHAIR.

UHURA: “What’s happening?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Oderon’s trying to pull us back!”

SPOCK: “We cannot let him.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Indeed, not! Scott-EEE! Give her all she’s got! Sulu! Take us out of here! Warp NINE!”

THE ENGINES START UP (GOING AT A RATE THAT, UNDER USUAL CONDITIONS, WOULD BE ENOUGH TO MOVE THE EARTH OUT OF ORBIT) BUT THE _ENTERPRISE_ DOESN’T MOVE ANYWHERE.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Explanation, Mr. Spock?”

SPOCK: “His energy field is increasing in power. It’s truly amazing, Captain. I cannot help but think he will have exhausted his energy supply before long, after the modifications McCoy and I made to his power grid.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty. Scotty, can you hear me? We’re not going anywhere!”

SCOTTY: “Captain, I’m givin‘ her all she’s got! Didn’t they ever _(a small explosion sounds in the background)_ teach ya anything about the laws of physics when you were in Starfleet?”

SULU: “Captain, we’re moving forward! Slowly but surely!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “There we go. Now, if we can just hang on for a few more minutes…”

SCOTTY _(over intercom)_ : “Captain Kirk!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Speak up, I can’t hear you above the engines!”

SCOTTY: “ _Captain Kirk_!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Oh, Scotty, it’s you! I had a… a feeling you’d be calling in soon.”

SCOTTY: “Captain, we cannae keep up this tug-of-war much longer! The pressure in the warp core is rising fast, and there’s nothin‘ I can do about it! We have, oh, I don’t know, about two, three minutes left before the whole kit-and-kaboodle goes kaput! Don’t ask me what’s holding her together. The warp core isn’t the only problem. The whole engine room’s full of fissures and fuel leaks, the engines are about to go into overload, and, oh, guess what! A control panel just blew up! I can tell ya this much. Captain. She can’t take much more of this!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty, keep it together down there as well as you how! We’re just beginning to overpower Oderon’s energy field!”

SCOTTY: “All right, we’re doin‘ our best!”

THE RED ALERT ALARM IS BLOCKED OUT BY A LOUDER, HIGH-PITCHED ALARM.

SULU: “Captain… That’s the engine overload alarm!”

UHURA: “The engines are going to explode!”

RILEY: “We’re all gonna dieeeeee!”

SPOCK: “Negative, Lieutenant. We are all _gonna break_ his energy field!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Why, Spock! I never knew you could do an Irish!”

SPOCK: “It is, indeed, unfortunate that you had to hear me employ the use of such an accent under such adverse circumstances. On another note, if my sensors are correct (and they usually are), we are going to break Oderon’s energy field in three seconds.”

SULU: “Provided we don’t explode first.”

RILEY: “Oh, Hikaru Sulu. You incurable pessimist.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Hang on!”

THE _ENTERPRISE_ BREAKS FREE FROM ODERON’S ENERGY FIELD, SHOOTING OUT INTO SPACE. SCOTTY SHUTS DOWN THE ENGINES IMMEDIATELY, AND NO ONE GETS HURT. THE _ENTERPRISE_ STOPS DEAD IN SPACE.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, we survived. Now, I suppose—”

HE IS INTERRUPTED BY THE SOUND OF A TRANSPORTING DEVICE. IT IS ODERON. WITH THE LAST OF HIS ENERGY, HE BEAMS DOWN ALL BUT TWO CREWMEMBERS. THEY LAND ON THE PLANET’S SURFACE. THE TWO CREWMEMBERS LEFT ARE REDSHIRTS, TRYING TO REPAIR A SMALL CRACK IN THE WARP CORE. AFTER A LITTLE CONFUSION, THEY DECIDE THE BEST THING THEY CAN DO IS FINISH THE WARP CORE, LOCK THE SHIP BACK INTO ORBIT, FIX THE TRANSPORTER, AND THEN ATTEMPT TO BEAM EVERYONE UP.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hey, look at that: somewhere along the line, we started spelling Chekov's name correctly.

Meanwhile, down on Morturus…

Captain Kirk and the 400+ crewmembers have landed in the same REGION, scattered on the planet’s surface outside Oderon’s fortress. They blast the door down with phasers and stampede inside, knocking down everything in their path until they get to the control center. Oderon is waiting there.

ODERON: “Oh, how nice. I had a feeling you’d drop in for tea.”

ODERON PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE WALL THAT MAKES EVERYONE’S PHASER BLOW UP.

CHEKOV: “Yahh!”

FINNEY: “Are you okay?”

CHEKOV: “Just a leetle scratch!”

MCCOY: “You’re bleeding! Here.”

MCCOY GIVES HIM A THEME BANDAGE.

CHEKOV: “ ‘My… leetle… pony?’ “

MCCOY: “It was the only kind we had left! Found them in Nurse Chapel’s quarters.”

ODERON: “Silence! Guards! Escort our friends to their… uh-hum, _quarters_! Plans for leaving this planet on begin today! We shall take over the entire galaxy, hmhmhm!”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(boldly)_ : “You’ll never get away with this, Oderon! Good people of the _Enterprise_? They’re outnumbered! We may never have a better chance!”

THEY START FIGHTING, WEAPONLESS THOUGH THEY ARE. ARMED GUARDS STORM INTO THE ROOM, AND MANAGE TO RESTRAIN THE DEFENCELESS CREW. AFTER MUCH STRUGGLING, FOUR GUARDS SUBDUE CAPTAIN KIRK (that is, they pin him down flat on the ground and sit on him).

ODERON: “Bring him to me!”

SIX GUARDS DRAG THE CAPTAIN IN FRONT OF ODERON.

RILEY: “I can’t look!”

SULU: “Be strong!”

ODERON: “Now then, my dear Captain Kirk.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Do whatever you want with me. Leave my crew alone!”

ODERON: “I have no need for your crew, or your ship, for that matter!”

SCOTTY: “Her name’s the _Enterprise_!”

ODERON: “Silence him!”

A GUARD KNOCKS SCOTTY DOWN. HALF THE CREW FLINCHES, AND RILEY WHIMPERS.

ODERON: “As I was saying, Captain, your crew can be used to get information out of _you_. And as for the starship…”

ANOTHER SET OF GUARDS: “Oooh, that starship!”

ODERON: “—As for the starship!”

GUARDS: “Oooh, that ship!”

ODERON: “And as for the starship, that we will—”

GUARDS: “Boil, boil, boil, boil, BOILLLL! And melt it down into pieces of scrap metal.”

TYSON: “Boil it? You… you _can’t_ do _that_!”

ODERON: “Oh? And who’s going to stop me? You, insignificant little redshirt that you are? You, Captain, who can do absolutely nothing in your crew’s time of need?”

ODERON MARCHES OVER TO SCOTTY, WHO CAN DO NOTHING BUT GLARE AT HIM.

ODERON: “And what about _you_? You, who can’t keep your mouth shut to save your life whenever the topic of your ship comes up? And now, you can’t even stand up.”

ODERON KICKS HIM.

TYSON _(quietly)_ : “That does it.”

TYSON BEGINS INCHING STEALTHILY TOWARDS A GIANT CONTROL SWITCH ON THE WALL THREE FEET AWAY FROM HIM.

UHURA: “Leave him alone, you big brat!”

SULU: “Second!”

CHEKOV: “Hoi!”

ODERON _(whipping a blaster out)_ : “One more peep out of the lot of you, and your Captain dies!”

UHURA: “Nooo!”

ANDERSON: “Shhh!”

ODERON: “Now. My space scanners are broken. How unfortunate. _For you_! Now. Which of you can tell me where the _Enterprise_ is? And, when I find it, what is the best way to get inside it? Your transporter is quite broken, I assure you.”

DEAD SILENCE.

ODERON: “Oh, come now, come now. Let’s not be difficult. We don’t want anyone to get hurt. You! Captain. You can tell me where it is, can’t you?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Never! You’re not getting a way out of here, you’re not getting material for your new torture devices, and you’re not getting the _Enterprise_! That’s final!”

ODERON: “Oh, really? Well, maybe you’ll change your mind after I do _this_!”

ODERON SHOOTS AT ONE OF THE REDSHIRTS. HE FALLS FLAT.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “No!”

REDSHIRT: “It’s… all right. I’m proud to die for such… a worthy cause as this!”

THE REDSHIRT’S EYES CLOSE FOREVER.

SCOTTY: “Devin!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “You can’t play with men’s lives like this, Oderon, it’s not right!”

A GUARD KICKS CAPTAIN KIRK TO SILENCE HIM.

ODERON: “Oh, I’m sure you’ll find I can do whatever I want to, Captain. And I’m just getting started. I have over 400 people left at my disposal! However, you don’t seem to be very eager to answer my question. How… about… _you_?”

ODERON POINTS AT SCOTTY.

ODERON: “You. Tell me. Where… is… your ship?”

SCOTTY: “Why, she’s in space, just like she was always meant to be! And if you think I’m going to tell you where she is so you can take her down to your filthy planet and melt her into scrap metal, why, you’re daft!”

GUARD _(forgetting his place)_ : “Oh, you’d better tell him, if you know what’s good for you!”

THE GUARD KICKS HIM… TWICE.

SCOTTY: “I still ain’t tellin‘ ya!”

RILEY: “Cut it out! Leave Scotty alone!”

SULU: “Riley! Shh!”

RILEY: “But… of all the nerve! Of all the blinking, blooming, blubbering—”

SULU: “RILEY!”

RILEY: “—NERVE!”

ODERON: “Guard, stop beating up our prisoner. Are you seriously that stupid that you don’t know?”

GUARD: “Oh, no, no of _course_ not… eh… don’t know what, boss?”

ODERON: “DEEEEAAAUUUUHHH! In order to question someone, they must be _alive_! You dunce!”

GUARD: “Oh. Right, boss.”

ODERON: “Now, listen here, scum! You know where the _Enterprise_ is. You know it better than anyone! And you will tell me.”

SCOTTY: “Never!”

ODERON: “Not even now?”

ODERON SEIZES ANOTHER REDSHIRT, AND AIMS HIS BLASTER AT THE UNFORTUNATE’S HEAD. CAPTAIN KIRK TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING, BUT WHATEVER IT WAS IS MUFFLED BY THE ADDITION OF TWO MORE GUARDS ON TOP OF HIM.

RILEY: “Sulu! It’s Theodore! They can’t kill him!”

SULU: “How do you know Theodore?”

RILEY: “We used to work in damage control together! Then he went to engineering and I went to bridge crew!”

ODERON: “Well? I’m waiting for an answer!”

SCOTTY: “You can’t do this! That’s all the answer you’re going to get.”

THEODORE: “Scotty, don’t tell him where she is! You can’t put my life above everyone else’s! If he finds where our ship is, he’ll take out whole colonies with it, before melting it down! You know he will!”

SPOCK: “Logical. And… The needs of the many _do_ outweigh the needs of the few.”

ODERON: “And what about _you_ , Mr. Spock? I’m sure _you_ can tell me what I need to know. Vulcans are known throughout the universe for their honesty. Now. Tell me. Where is the _Enterprise_?”

SPOCK RAISES AN EYEBROW.

SPOCK: “Are you implying that I tell you the exact location of our honorable Starfleet Federation’s flagship, the U.S.S. _Enterprise_? NCC-1701? The Constitution-class starship that has boldly trekked the stars for four years, seven months, two weeks, three days, sixteen hours, thirteen minutes, and… ten seconds as of today, well on her way to fulfilling her five-year-mission? Exploring new worlds, seeking out new life forms, and new civilizations? And boldly going forth where no man, woman, adolescent, child, well, in essence, where any humanoid life form has ever had the privilege or the sense of enterprise to go before?”

MCCOY: “For once, I’m glad of his ability to ramble on about everything and absolutely nothing at all for indefinite amounts of time.”

SCOTTY: “The _Enterprise_ ain’t nothin‘!”

MCCOY: “Of course not, Scotty.”

SPOCK: “Are you implying that, after kidnapping six of us, killing three of those six and locking up the rest with the intention of throwing us into your ‘spider eel tank,’ using your shocking device on us, throwing everyone else across the galaxy, repeatedly breaking our transporter, attempting to break our warp core, threatening several times that you would melt the _Enterprise_ into scrap metal (a fate entirely undeserving of such an honorable starship as she), killing some more of us, and finally, beaming every last crewmember aboard that ship down here, so you can torture information out of us and ultimately kill us? You’ve killed Devin, you’re ready to kill Theodore, you have seriously injured Mr. Scott, and I don’t know what’s happened to the Captain; too many guards are in the way… Uh, Captain, are you all right?”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(from under eight guards)_ : “I’m fine Spock, just get on with it!”

SPOCK: “Thank you, Captain. Now where was I? Ah, yes! After all that, are you implying that I, Spock, a Vulcan, Science Officer of the wonderful, magnificent, superb, breathtaking, amazing, astonishing, fantastic, brilliant, great, spectacular, incredible, stunning, astounding, mind blowing, phenomenal, U.S.S. _Enterprise_ (and since I am a Vulcan, I cannot lie) _,_ give you, a despicable, appalling, dreadful, contemptible, wicked, shameful, voriferous, disgraceful, vile, loathsome, reprehensible, cowardly, ignominious, lily-livered skunk like yourself, give _you_ the coordinates revealing her whereabouts? I think that would be the most illogical thing ANYONE!—could ever do to this beautiful wonderful ship! And if you insist upon asking it of me, I shall have to ask you to boil your scurvy head.”

SPOCK NODS HIS HEAD FOR EMPHASIS.

MCCOY: “We’ll Spock! I have to admit. That was pretty touching. You really love the _Enterprise_ … Now Spock! I do believe that you are showing some human emotions…”

Spock: “Doctor! You interrupted me right in the middle of my speech! I do not think that is logical—”

ODERON: “SHUT UP! Before I kill your captain!”

SPOCK AND DOCTOR MCCOY LOOK UP WITH VERY ANGELIC LOOKS ON THEIR FACES. 

TYSON _(standing three feet away from the central power switch)_ : “Not so fast, Oderon! No, don’t aim your blaster at me. If you do, I’ll make a flying leap for it! Now, stand down, release everyone, or else!”

ODERON: “What are you doing? Guards! Seize him!”

ALL THE GUARDS LOOK AT EACH OTHER.

GUARD 1: “Uh… boss… we got our hands full with _them_. There are 400 of them, after all.”

ODERON _(to TYSON)_ : “Now listen here, you redshirted, yellow-livered punk. I have a fireshooter here which will catch you dead in your tracks before you can even get to that switch. Now stand down!”

TYSON _(inching carefully nearer to the switch)_ : “ _You_ stand down! I’m not giving you what you want. You hear that? We’ll _never_ tell you where the _Enterprise_ is. You don’t deserve to know! You don’t deserve to go on living, if that’s what you call it, destroying planet after planet and then torturing the survivors.”

SCOTTY _(very softly, but still loud enough for Oderon to hear)_ : “I knew he could do it!”

ODERON: “DEEEEAAAAUUUHHH!”

ODERON KNOCKS ALL THE GUARDS OFF OF SCOTTY AND YANKS HIM UP BY HIS SHIRT, HOLDING HIM TWO FEET OFF THE GROUND.

RILEY _(whispering, to SULU)_ : “That guy’s strong.”

SULU: “Riley, if you shut your mouth and _keep_ it shut, and if we ever get out of this alive, I promise you can have all my off shifts. Deal?”

RILEY ( _keeping his mouth shut tightly)_ : “Mmmm.”

THEY PINKY PROMISE.

CAPTAIN KIRK _(managing to get his head free)_ : “Leave Mr. Scott a- _lone_! You don’t keep hitting a man when he’s down!”

ODERON: “You have driven me over the edge, time and time again, and now you shall pay the penalty!”

UHURA: “Let him go!”

ODERON: “All right. If you insist!”

ODERON FLINGS SCOTTY ACROSS THE ROOM, NEAR TYSON. IN TYSON’S BRIEF MOMENT OF DISTRACTION, HE AIMS THE FIRESHOOTER AT SCOTTY.

ODERON _(firing)_ : “Nobody stops me!”

TYSON KNOCKS SCOTTY OUT OF THE WAY, TAKING THE FIREBLAST HIMSELF. THIS DOES NOT STOP HIM FROM LEAPING FOR THE CIRCUIT SWITCH, THOUGH.

TYSON _(very dramatically, half to himself)_ : “I’ll stop this madman if it kills me.”

ODERON _(with a note of—can it be—fear? In his voice?)_ : “Take one step closer to that lever and you die.”

ODERON GIVES A SIGNAL TO HIS GUARDS, WHO ALL POINT THEIR BLASTERS DIRECTLY AT TYSON WITH ONE HAND, HOLDING THEIR PRISONERS WITH THE OTHER. EVERYONE GASPS.

TYSON _(in a dramatic voice)_ : “You can wave those pieces of plastic and metal at me all you want to, but ain’t no bullet gonna change _my_ mind! Yes, yes, I know, Spock. A double negative. Don’t judge me! I’m from Arizona, and I can’t help my grammar issues!”

ODERON: “Also… you should know… It’s terrible electricity in here. That circuit is the most unreliable one yet. Always giving off sparks, just look at it! Did you know that nobody’s ever touched it since it was installed? They know that if they do, they will most undoubtedly receive the largest electric shock of their life.”

SPOCK: “Indeed. For once, he is speaking the truth. It is a most unstable circuit.”

TYSON LOOKS BACK AT THE LEVER, TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah apologies for the caps-lock ocean

ODERON _(aiming his fireblaster straight at Tyson)_ : “Good boy. Let’s not try anything funny. Someone could get hurt! Hahaha. Touch that lever, and I will have to fire at you.”

TYSON SHRUGS, AND MAKES A SUDDEN RUSH FOR THE LEVER.

SCOTTY: “No, Ty! Don’t do it, lad!!!”

SCOTTY REACHES OUT AND MANAGES TO GRAB HOLD OF TYSON’S RIGHT ARM. TYSON, WITHOUT THINKING, REACHES OUT TO THE CIRCUIT SWITCH WITH HIS LEFT. SCOTTY’S GRIP SLIPS AND HE LANDS FLAT ON THE GROUND. HE LOOKS UP JUST IN TIME TO SEE TYSON SLAM DOWN THE LEVER WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND FREEZE PERFECTLY STILL FOR HALF A SECOND. THEN ALL POWER DISAPPEARS.

THE LIGHTS FLICKER OUT, AND THE ONLY LIGHT IN THE ROOM IS A SMALL BEAM OF LIGHT (from the ever glowing nebula surrounding the planet) COMING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW. SINISTRA ODERON FALLS OVER, SHUT DOWN.

THE GUARDS’ WEAPONS EXPLODE, AND THEY RUN AROUND THE DARK ROOM IN CONFUSION. IT’S COMPLETE MAYHEM WHILE EVERYONE RUSHES AROUND, TRYING TO CAPTURE EVERYONE THEY CAN.

SULU AND RILEY BREAK OUT THEIR TAE-KWON-DO MOVES, UHURA SCREAMS IN PEOPLE’S EARS, CHEKOV KICKS PEOPLE WITH THE RUSSIAN DANCING KICK _(accidentally kicking Finney once or twice)_ , SPOCK VULCAN-GRIPS TO HIS HEART’S CONTENT, ANDERSON AND THE OTHER REDSHIRTS KNOCK PEOPLE OVER THE HEAD WITH THE BROKEN TRICORDERS, NURSE CHAPEL DANCES AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF SYRINGES, INJECTING PEOPLE (with the only thing she has left, nitrous oxide), AND OF COURSE CAPTAIN KIRK IS RIGHT IN THE THICK OF THE ACTION, LAYING PEOPLE FLAT LEFT AND RIGHT WITH HIS FAMOUS CAPTAIN KIRK PUNCHES.

SCOTTY PULLS HIMSELF OVER TO TYSON, WHO FELL FLAT ON HIS BACK WHEN THE POWER DIED. THE BEAM FROM THE WINDOW (naturally) FALLS JUST PERFECTLY OVER THE TWO ENGINEERS.

MCCOY AND CAPTAIN KIRK RUSH OVER (naturally, CAPTAIN KIRK’S shirt has a strategically placed rip in it), AND MCCOY TRIES TO FIND TYSON’S PULSE.

MCCOY _(get ready for this)_ : “I don’t know how to say this but… He’s dead, Jim!… No! Wait! There’s his pulse; it’s going again. He must have gotten quite the shock.”

SCOTTY: “Och, you poor lad. What have I done?”

ALL THE ENGINEERS AND A FEW OTHER REDSHIRTS GATHER AROUND SCOTTY AND TYSON. AROUND THEM, THE BLUE AND YELLOW SHIRTS FINISH OFF THE LAST FEW GUARDS AND CLEAN THINGS UP A BIT.

MCCOY: “Don’t be a fool, Scotty! You’ve done noth—”

SCOTTY: “ _YES, I HAVE_! And you’re right, I am a fool. I grabbed his right arm to try and stop him, and so he used his left to save us. Everyone knows that you can’t flip circuit switches with your left hand unless you’re a Vulcan!”

MCCOY: “Okay! Okay, Scotty!”

SCOTTY TURNS BACK TO THE FALLEN TYSON.

SCOTTY: “Laddie. Can you hear me? Wake up! Say something! Oh, Tyson, please say something!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Bones…”

CAPTAIN KIRK SILENTLY MOTIONS FOR MCCOY TO COME OVER TO THE SIDE.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Is there anything you can do for him?”

MCCOY: “The only thing that could save him for sure would be the equipment back up on the _Enterprise_. There’s nothing down here.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “How bad is it?”

MCCOY: “Why, you know, Jim! You can’t flip circuit switches with your left hand, because you might get electrocuted down your left side. It makes your heart stop. I’m surprised he’s still alive.”

SPOCK: “And, unlike the Vulcans, your human hearts are usually on the left side of your body. Except in one case, that happened in the year—”

MCCOY: “All right, Spock, if you know so much, tell us how we’re going to get out of here! Everyone on board the _Enterprise_ —over 400 of us—were beamed down here, I’m pretty sure, and she’s all alone up there, just drifting in space. She’s about as safe up there as—as—”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(whispering)_ : “Uhh… Bones, I’d lower my voice if I were you. Now is not the time to let Scotty know about that.”

MCCOY: “Oh. Right. Yes. I understand.”

UHURA: “Poor thing. He and Tyson are such great friends. They’ve known each other since… well, academy days.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Oh! Uhura, I didn’t even notice you here.”

UHURA: “Oh, Heehee. Sorry, Captain. I just wanted to tell you that I’ve finally managed to open a channel to Starfleet… if there’s anything you’d like to say to them.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Oh, yes, thank you, Lieutenant, there is something very important I have to say. ‘Starfleet! Hello! This is Captain James T. Kirk of the U.S.S. _Enterprise_ (dramatic sniff), and I—”

STARFLEET WORKER: “Ah, yes, yes, Captain Kirk. Captain Kirk! Of the U.S.S.… Did—did you just say _Enterprise_? Hey, everybody, gather around! It’s him! It’s them! It’s our flagship, _Enterprise_! They’re still alive!!! Captain, when we received your distress signal, we got worried. We tried contacting and locating you, but we couldn’t find you anywhere in the area. One of our scanners picked up a very faint signal which matched the _Enterprise’s_ energy waves, but—get this—the signal was from the complete opposite end of the universe!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Oh, I cannot _imagine_ how that could’ve—”

STARFLEET WORKER: “It doesn’t stop there! We kept picking up random traces of you all around the universe. However, the signals indicated that you were travelling at an impossibly high speed. That’s when we got suspicious. And when our sensors showed that you were in the Neutral Zone—why, then we knew our sensors couldn’t be correct! Anyhoo, hey, whad’ya know, the press is gathered ’round! Do you have anything you’d like to say, huh, _Enterprise_?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Yes, we have prepared a very important statement.”

— _DRAMATIC PAUSE—_

EVERYONE except SCOTTY and TYSON: “ _GET US OUTTA HERE!!!!”_

STARFLEET WORKER: “On the double, then, but it’ll take us about three weeks to find you. We’re very sorry.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Three… weeks…”

STARFLEET WORKER: “Affirmative! See you then!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, that’s… just… _wonderful_. Marooned here for three weeks straight.”

HIS COMMUNICATOR BEEPS.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “This is Kirk…wait, who is this?”

REDSHIRT ON THE OTHER END: “Captain? Oh, thank goodness you’re all right!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Is… is this… Are you on the _Enterprise_?”

REDSHIRT: “Ensign Murdock sir, and _yes_ , I am on the _Enterprise_! Are you still on the planet?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, yes, but—”

REDSHIRT: “There are just two of us up here—Ensign Leslie and I! We’ve managed to lock the ship in orbit around the planet, but she’s not going to stay here for long! We can’t keep the orbit from decaying! Oh, and we don’t have the transporter working yet, either.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, what do you know? Miracles do happen occasionally! Well, I guess we have to find some way back up to the ship.”

UHURA: “There’s a shuttlebay in this fortress, just down this corridor. We could try and take a shuttlecraft up to the _Enterprise_!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Uhura, you are brilliant!”

ANDERSON: “Of course she is!”

UHURA: “Why, thank you.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I need seven people to come up to the _Enterprise_ with me, get her back in order again, beam everybody up, and _leave_ already!”

SPOCK: “Captain. Request permission to—”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Yes, Mr. Spock, you may come. And you, Anderson.”

ANDERSON _(looking at Uhura)_ : “If it’s all right with you, Captain, I think I’d rather stay.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “You are one of the few people left who is not completely injured. We need you up there. That’s an order!”

ANDERSON: “Yes, sir.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “All right. Anyone else?”

SULU and RILEY _(jumping up and down)_ : “Us! Us!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Right. I’ll need you two to help work transporters.”

SULU and RILEY HIGH-FIVE.

CAPTAIN KIRK _(pointing to a redshirt)_ : “You may come too, Mr. Kline.”

SCOTTY: “Captain, request permission to go with you.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Are you… okay?”

SCOTTY: “You’ll need an engineer up there! And there’s nothin‘ left for me to do down here. I can’t just stand around and… you know, watch!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “That’s understandable, Scotty. But Oderon threw you _across the room_! You can’t even stand right!”

SCOTTY: “Just a wee knock! And might I remind you! You had eight beefy Klingons sittin‘ on _you_! Captain. I’d be happy to do what I can for the _Enterprise_.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I see your point… All right, Scotty, you may come. But don’t tell Dr. McCoy!”

MCCOY: “Tell me what?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Um, Uhura, where’s that shuttlebay at?”

UHURA: “This way, Captain.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Bones, take care of Tyson best you can. We’ll beam you up in no time.”

THEY ALL LEAVE FOR THE SHUTTLEBAY.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SULU: “Well, Rile, we have ourselves in a pretty pickle.”

A REDSHIRT, CAPTAIN KIRK, SPOCK, RILEY, ANDERSON, SULU AND SCOTTY GO BACK UP TO THE _ENTERPRISE_ IN A SHUTTLECRAFT. EVERYONE IS VERY QUIET. AFTER A WHILE…

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well… it’s all over.”

ANDERSON: “Hopefully.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Mr. Spock, I must commend you. How did you ever find out that Oderon was an android?”

SPOCK: “It was the doctor, Captain. We scanned him with a tricorder and came up with these readings. Dr. McCoy figured that with readings like this, he was no biological life form. I thought his readings were rather like a computer, and from there I figured out where his power source was. We snuck around the electrical systems for a while until we figured out which wires were the right ones to rearrange or cut. We managed to figure out how to drain his energy levels. He must have panicked and beamed everyone down with a last giant burst of energy, though it is rather illogical for an android to panic. Perhaps he was programmed to respond that way to any attempt of others to control him.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “So… you rearranged the wires so that flipping that one central lever would shut him down?”

SPOCK: “Affirmative. Though we had hoped to go about it differently, Tyson’s act was necessary, though self-sacrificial.”

RED SHIRT: “It was the most heroic thing I’ve ever seen. We owe our lives to Tyson.”

RILEY _(pointing to his mouth)_ : “Mmmm, mmm?”

SULU: “Go ahead, Rile.”

RILEY: “I would have never been able to do that without—”

SULU: “Without breaking a nail?”

RILEY FROWNS HORRIBLY AT SULU.

SULU: “Just how many nails have you broken in these past two days?”

RILEY: “Seven.”

ANOTHER SILENCE SETTLES IN.

THEY MANUALLY OPEN THE DOOR TO THE SHUTTLEBAY, BOARD THE _ENTERPRISE_ , AND RUSH UP TO THE TRANSPORTER ROOM. THERE THEY FIND THE TWO REDSHIRTS, ENSIGNS MURDOCK AND LESLIE, WHO WERE LEFT BEHIND. THEY ARE FRANTICALLY TRYING TO FIX THE TRANSPORTER.

ENSIGN MURDOCK: “Oh, thank goodness you’re all right!”

ENSIGN LESLIE: “We were so worried!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “You two didn’t get beamed down?”

ENSIGN MURDOCK: “No, but we’ve just about fixed the transporter.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Thank you. It’s what we need the most right now.”

ENSIGN LESLIE: “How can we be of assistance now, _sir_?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Keep trying to repair the transporter.”

RILEY _(flicking a switch)_ : “Repaired, sir!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “O…kay, well, the turbo-lift on Deck Seven is misaligned… see if you can fix that.”

ENSIGNS MURDOCK AND LESLIE: “Sir, yes sir, Captain _sir_!”

THEY RUN OFF.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “All right, men, we have to work hard and we have to work fast. The ship’s orbit has probably already started decaying. Spock and I will go up to the bridge and man the controls. Riley and Sulu, you two operate the transporters, widest possible range. You’re going to have to beam up around 400 people, so Anderson, you stay in the hallway and direct traffic.”

ANDERSON: “ _Direct traffic_? But—ah—All right, fine, then! Yes, sir.”

REDSHIRT: “What about me, sir?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Mr. Kline, you and Scotty go to the engine room and get those engines back on! It’ll be tricky, we need to exit and reenter orbit before we can beam everyone up.”

REDSHIRT: “Sir, yes sir!”

REDSHIRT RUSHES OFF TO THE ENGINE ROOM. SCOTTY REMAINS BEHIND.

SCOTTY: “Captain… uh… I just think it’ll be extremely hard to get the engines working again with only the two of us.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty, you know this ship better than the people who made it. It’s too risky going back down in the shuttle. I need you in the engine room. Do what you can to get those engines back online.”

SCOTTY: “I’ll try, sir…”

HE SLOWLY TURNS TO GO.

CAPTAIN KIRK TAKES THE TURBOLIFT UP TO THE BRIDGE WITH SPOCK, NEITHER OF THEM SAYING MUCH.

SULU: “Well, Rile, we have ourselves in a pretty pickle.”

RILEY: “Four hundred! Yikes!”

SULU: “At least we don’t have to make two broken, burnt out warp engines work again!”

RILEY: “Yeah. And at least that meanie old alien robot didn’t injure us too badly.”

SULU: “Why, Riley! He did, too!”

RILEY: “What?”

SULU: “Seven broken nails?”

RILEY: “Stop it!”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(over intercom)_ : “Sulu! Riley! Lock onto Tyson first, and get ready to start beaming up on my command.”

RILEY: “Aye-aye, sir!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Energize!”

FIRST, RILEY AND SULU BEAM UP A MIXED GROUP OF RED, BLUE AND YELLOW SHIRTS. TYSON, MCCOY AND NURSE CHAPEL ARE AMONG THEM. ANDERSON DIRECTS THEM TO THEIR VARIOUS STATIONS.

ANDERSON: “Get a move on it! More are coming!”

THE NEXT GROUP CONTAINS CHEKOV AND UHURA. CHEKOV RUSHES TO THE BRIDGE. UHURA STAYS IN THE TRANSPORTER ROOM FOR A MOMENT.

ANDERSON: “Lieutenant Uhura! Will you kindly stay here and help me ‘direct traffic?’ There are more people here than just one person can manage!”

UHURA _(giggling)_ : “Of course, Lieutenant!”

ANDERSON _(quietly, while directing “traffic” with his arms)_ : “You know, I never have heard anyone pronounce your first name before.”

UHURA: “Would you like to know how?”

ANDERSON: “It would be… ‘my heart’s desire!’ ”

UHURA: “Oh, now, honestly. Well, if you insist, it’s Nyota.”

ANDERSON: “Nyota? Beautiful.”

UHURA: “Thank you, Anderson.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why this scene is in here, you can probably skip it

BACK IN THE BRIDGE…

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Spock! What’s our status?”

SPOCK: “Orbit decaying rapidly. We must break orbit _now_.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty! How are we looking over there?”

NO ANSWER.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Mr. Scott!”

REDSHIRT: “Testing… testing… is this thing on?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Mr. Kline, what are you doing?”

KLINE: “Ha! It worked. I’ve never used the com before! Okay. Captain! Sir. Both engines are ready to go!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “O…kay…? Thank you, Mr. Kline. Mr. Chekov? Take us away, sublight speed.”

CHEKOV: “Yes, Captain!”

THEY MOVE AWAY.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “All right… here we go. Hope this works. Lock orbit again, Mr. Chekov.”

CHEKOV: “Aye-aye, Captain!”

THEY LOCK IN ORBIT AGAIN.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Phew! Okay.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> McCoy wants to teach Spock poker for some reason.

MCCOY IS PACING AROUND SICKBAY WHEN SCOTTY COMES IS.

SCOTTY _(going over to where the mortally wounded Tyson lay)_ : “How is he?”

MCCOY: “Well, he’s pretty bad. He didn’t get that big of an electric shock. It’s the burn on his back that worries me. I’m sorry, Scotty. We’re doing all we can.”

SCOTTY QUICKLY LEAVES THE ROOM. A FEW MOMENTS LATER, RILEY COMES RUSHING IN AND DUMPS A BUNCH OF GET-WELL-SOON CARDS ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO TYSON.

RILEY: “Get-well cards. From everyone on the ship. Uh, goodbye, Doc!”

RILEY SCOOTS OUT OF THE ROOM.

UHURA and ANDERSON ENTER THE ROOM.

MCCOY: “For goodness sake. This is sickbay, not an open-house graduation.”

UHURA: “How is he?”

MCCOY: “He’s got a bad burn on his back. He’ll be fine if I have anything to say about it. What he needs most is rest, now kindly leave him to it!”

ANDERSON: “Yes, Doc. Come on, Uhura, let’s go see if Yeoman Rand has gotten anything made up yet in the mess hall.”

UHURA: “When I checked, she was doing nothing but picking up the place! It’s quite a mess—”

MCCOY: “It’s going to get a whole lot messier if you don’t leave!”

ANDERSON: “Hey, we’re leaving, Doc! No strong words!”

ANDERSON and UHURA LEAVE.

MCCOY: “Finally.”

BEFORE HE CAN TURN AROUND, SPOCK WALKS IN. MCCOY’S EYES BULGE OUT OF HIS HEAD. SPOCK QUICKLY WALKS BACK OUT AGAIN BEFORE MCCOY CAN SAY ANYTHING.

MCCOY TURNS BACK TO HIS WORK. SOMEONE WALKS IN BEHIND HIM. MCCOY WHIRLS AROUND, BRANDISHING A SCALPEL.

MCCOY: “That does it! If one more person walks in here—oh hi, Jim.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Uhh… I can come back later, if you want!”

MCCOY: “Oh, it’s fine, I guess. Sit down.”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(sitting down)_ : “Is he all right?”

MCCOY: “He didn’t get shocked that badly, actually. But his back has a very severe burn on it. And somewhere along the line, he broke his left hand, although I don’t know when that could’ve happened.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Bones… he _will_ survive, won’t he?”

MCCOY: “Yes… perhaps he will… but I can’t promise he’ll ever be able to go back to his work on a starship again. Starfleet, maybe, but… We’ll see how well he recovers.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “It’s too bad. He would have made a fine officer. I was gonna promote him, you know!”

MCCOY: “I don’t think he would have let you. He loved being an engineer.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “True…”

A CALL COMES OVER THE INTERCOM.

SPOCK: “Captain, we request your presence on the bridge.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I’ll be there immediately! Kirk out! Good luck, McCoy.”

CAPTAIN KIRK RACES BACK UP TO THE BRIDGE.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What is it?”

CHEKOV: “Captain! An enemy wessel is approaching!”

UHURA: “Captain, there are Klingons on the starboard bow!”

SPOCK: “Not _on_ it, Lieutenant, _approaching_ it.”

UHURA: “They’re firing, sir!”

RILEY: “We don’t have enough phaser power yet to return fire!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Evasive maneuvers, Mr. Sulu! Huh. That’s not fair, I haven’t even sat down yet. Why are they shooting us, anyway?”

UHURA: “There are more of them, sir! They’re all firing at us!”

SULU: “There’s no way we can dodge them all!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Deflector shields up!”

SULU: “Already done, sir. Three… two… one… IMPACT!”

THE WHOLE SHIP SHAKES AS THREE MISSILES MAKE CONTACT. EVERYONE GETS FLUNG OUT OF HIS OR HER SEAT EXCEPT CAPTAIN KIRK.

CHEKOV: “Deflector shields down, all the way, sir!”

RILEY: “Warp drive also down!”

SULU: “Our starboard jet was hit, sir! We’re drifting!”

SCOTTY _(over intercom)_ : “Captain! What in blazes are ya _doin‘_ up there?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Klingons, Scotty, Klingons. They’re attacking us. For no reason.”

SCOTTY: “Och, those good for nothing old… Well, why don’t you phaser them, then?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Phaser power’s down.”

SCOTTY: “Well, you could treat them to a few photon torpedoes.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Not if our shields are up… Wait. That’s right! Of course! Our shields _aren’t_ up! SULU! RILEY! OPEN FIRE!”

SULU and RILEY, SMILING GIDDILY, FIRE OFF THE PHOTON TORPEDOES.

CHEKOV: “Direct hit, sir! Direct hit, again! Again!”

ANDERSON: “By golly, you’ve hit them all! They’re all leaving, every last one! Probably going back to their base to hide.”

UHURA _(jumping up and down and hugging Anderson)_ : “Yes! Yes.”

SULU and RILEY HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER.

RILEY: “Yeah, you’d better run!”

SULU: “Ha! Hahahaha! Cowards!”

RILEY: “Maybe you’ll think twice about messing with the _Enterprise_!”

AND THEN, JUST WHEN EVERYONE BEGAN TO RELAX…

THE _ENTERPRISE_ JUMPS TO WARP SPEED.

CHEKOV: “Not again!”

SULU: “Here we go!!!”

CAPTAIN KIRK MANAGES TO STAY IN HIS CHAIR, BUT EVERYONE ELSE IS TOPPLING LEFT AND RIGHT ALL OVER THE BRIDGE, LOSING THEIR BALANCE.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Spock! What is happening?”

SPOCK: “We are travelling at Warp Factor Nine.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Riley, did you press a button?”

RILEY: “No!”

SCOTTY COMES RUSHING ONTO THE BRIDGE.

SCOTTY: “Captain! What did you do up here? The engines have gone mad! I can’t stop them!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I was asking myself the same thing, Scotty. I was wondering if you had anything to do with it.”

SCOTTY: “I don’t sir, but might I remind you! We’re getting awfully close to the Neutral Zone! Another minute and we’ll be flyin‘ right into it!”

SPOCK: “Correction, Mr. Scott, 5.06 minutes, if we continue on our present course, provided our rate remains constant.”

SCOTTY: “Wh—It makes precious little difference when you’re on a starship just a’flyin through space at Warp Factor Nine with absolutely no control whatsoever!”

SPOCK: “Correction, Mr. Scott. I have just established control in our starboard jet engine.”

SCOTTY: “That’s great, but we have no power in that engine!”

SPOCK: “Correction, Mr. Scott. The power is up 50% in it.”

SCOTTY: “What—Where did that come from? That jet blew right from the very beginning! And stop correcting me!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty… Is it possible to slow the _Enterprise_ down in less than five minutes?”

SCOTTY: ”At this rate, Captain? We’d be lucky if we didn’t just run right off the edge of the universe!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, can we turn her around?”

SCOTTY: “Not unless you want to upset the stabilizers and damage the warp core! We’ve just run a ship-wide check, and do you know what we found? The _Enterprise_ is breaking down _all over the place_! I’m surprised she hasn’t gone to pieces already!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, Mr. Scott, we can’t go backwards. We can’t turn away. I suppose… that leaves us with only one alternative.”

SCOTTY: “What?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What would you say to increasing our speed?”

SCOTTY: “ ** _ARE YA BLINKIN‘ MAD, LADDIE_**?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Entering the Neutral Zone is inevitable. Maybe if we’re going fast enough, the Romulans won’t be able to track us as easily.”

SCOTTY: “SIR! WE’RE ALREADY GOING AT WARP FACTOR 9! I mean, no other starship has done it before! And _certainly_ not in this condition!”

SPOCK: “Mr. Scott does have a valid point.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Gentlemen, it’s true that no other starship has safely exceeded Warp Nine before, but this is not just any other starship, now is it?”

SCOTTY: “I’m just sayin‘ it’s not safe.”

SPOCK: “That is a flagrant understatement.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Neither is trotting leisurely into the Neutral Zone safe, Mr. Scott.”

SCOTTY: “Captain! Beggin‘ your pardon of course, but, I’m not so sure I’d call Warp Factor Nine a leisurely trot!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I just got this ship out of one danger, and here we go, warping right into another.”

MCCOY: “Maybe they should have named this ship the _Intrepid_ instead.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “On the contrary, Bones, I can’t think of a better name than _Enterprise_. Scotty?”

SCOTTY: “Yes, Captain?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Can we do it?”

SCOTTY: “Aye, if I can manage to get power levels back up in the jet off the port bow.”

RILEY COMES RUSHING DOWN THE HALL.

RILEY: “Scotty!... Captain! Power’s… back up… to 56… %... in both jets. The engine is… almost… back online…”

RILEY FALLS FLAT ON THE GROUND.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Sickbay…”

MCCOY CARTS RILEY OFF TO SICKBAY.

SCOTTY: “Captain—”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty, I need you down in the engine room, that’s where you’re most needed.”

SCOTTY: “Aye, I know, but… Aye, Captain.”

SCOTTY RUSHES DOWN TO THE ENGINE ROOM.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Mr. Spock, what do you make of our current condition?”

SPOCK: “I find it highly illogical.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Hmm. _Reeeeally_. How so?”

SPOCK: “Captain, does it not strike you as interesting that not five minutes ago, our jets were completely non-functional, and just now, within seconds, they’re back up to 56% and climbing?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Oderon’s hold on us must have been so strong that it drained all of our power.”

SPOCK: “Yes, but we broke free of his tractor beam over half an hour ago. I find it highly illogical that we’ve managed to fly through space at this rate for so long, with so little repairs, the ship’s systems nearly dead, not to mention… being fired at by Klingons, and yet we still have functioning engines.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I agree it’s been quite a day, but what’s your point, Spock?”

SPOCK: “The point is, why hasn’t our power come back gradually?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “You mean, why have they jumped zero to sixty in less than five minutes?”

SPOCK: “Correction, Captain. I estimate they are beyond sixty by now.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, Mr. Spock, I don’t see anything _that_ illogical! Kirk to engineering. Scotty!”

SCOTTY: “Scott here, sir.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Got the engines ready to go, yet? We’re entering the Neutral Zone, soon!”

SULU: “In about thirty seconds!”

SPOCK: “Thirty point six seconds, Mr. Sulu.”

SCOTTY: “If you insist, Captain. But I’m warning you sir, don’t ask me to press them beyond Warp Factor 9. They’ll tear this whole ship apart!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Yes, I see.”

SULU: “Twenty two!—POINT TWO!—seconds, Captain!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Steady... steady Scotty…”

SCOTTY: “Captain, how can I be steady when I know that any second we’re about to be blown to smithereens?”

SULU: “If anyone’s interested… sixteen seconds.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty, do you have those engines online yet?”

SCOTTY: “Not yet, Captain… Och, the panels keep throwing sparks! I’m surprised the whole room hasn’t gone kablooie yet!”

SULU: “Ten seconds before entering Neutral Zone! Nine! Eight!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty!”

SCOTTY: “Hang on just a cotton-pickin‘ minute, will ya?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “We don’t have a minute, Scotty, we have exactly four seconds!”

SCOTTY: “They’re back online, sir!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Energize! Warp! Nine!”

RILEY: “ENTERPRISE, ENERGIZE! Ha. Always wanted to say—”

RILEY IS CUT SHORT BY A SUDDEN BURST OF SPEED AS THE _ENTERPRISE_ JUMPS TO WARP AND CAREENS MADLY INTO THE NEUTRAL ZONE.

SULU AND CAPTAIN KIRK ARE NATURALLY THE FIRST TO GET THEIR VOICES BACK.

CAPTAIN KIRK _(yelling over the roar of the engines)_ : “What’s… our status, Mr. Sulu?”

SULU: “We’re heading straight towards the Romulan Central Base… WHAT THE HECK?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What is it?”

SULU: “We’re going at Warp 10, that’s what! 10.2! 10.3!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty, what’s going on down there?”

SCOTTY: “I have no idea! The engines are offline again! I have absolutely no control over them!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Could Oderon have been reactivated?”

SPOCK: “Not possible, Captain!”

MCCOY: “Oh, yeah? And how could you possibly know that, Spock?”

SPOCK: “Elementary, my dear doctor! I dismantled him and put him in the brig myself!”

MCCOY: “What?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Don’t fret Dr., Spock asked my permission first! Scotty! How’s it coming?”

SCOTTY: “Och, no luck yet, sir!”

SPOCK: “There is no such thing as luck.”

MCCOY: “Would you just stuff it, Spock?”

SPOCK: “Stuff… It? May I ask what exactly you mean by that peculiar arrangement of words?”

MCCOY’S EYES BLAZE. HIS FACE TURNS BRIGHT RED. BUT BEFORE HE CAN SAY ANYTHING…

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Gentlemen, I’m going to ask you both to… _stuff it_ … until we are on safer ground!”

SPOCK AND MCCOY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, DUMBFOUNDED.

SULU: “Warp… Eleven! Captain!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty!”

SCOTTY: “Captain, we can’t get control of them! It’s like… like a wee bairn tryin‘ to control a spooked racehorse!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Keep me posted, Scotty. Kirk… out.”

UHURA: “Romulans dead ahead! They’re approaching at Warp 9, sir!”

SULU: “Uh oh. If they keep at it, we’ll have impact in two minutes!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Go to Double Red Alert, all decks.”

UHURA STARTS STANDARD DOUBLE RED ALERT PROCEDURE.

SPOCK: “I remember the last time he did this.”

MCCOY: “Well, of course you do. You remember everything that happens to you, don’t you, Mr. Computer Head Spock?”

THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT.

MCCOY: “Spock, I…ah, I’m sorry.”

SPOCK: “Apology accepted. I assume that it is not entirely your fault, given the circumstances.”

SULU: “They’re still coming at us, sir.”

RILEY: “Well, what’s the worst they can do, ram us head on?”

RILEY STANDS UP IN HIS CHAIR, SHAKING HIS FIST AT THE ONCOMING VESSEL.

RILEY: “Do your worst, Rommie! We’re ready! If anyone can take it, we can!”

YEOMAN RAND _(entering the bridge)_ : “Kevin Riley, stop this foolishness immediately!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What are you doing up here?”

YEOMAN RAND: “It was dinnertime three hours ago. I thought you all could do with a midnight snack.”

RILEY: “What—is that— _green stuff_? Oh. Oh, no. No, I won’t. You can’t make me. Uh uh. I don’t _do_ green.”

YEOMAN RAND: “Captain, here you are.”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(absentmindedly)_ : “Thanks…”

YEOMAN RAND: “Are those Romulans?”

SPOCK: “Affirmative. Is this spinach?”

YEOMAN RAND: “Affirmative.”

MCCOY: “OH. Don’t _start_.”

SULU: “Captain, Warp 11.3!”

SCOTTY: “Captain, are they still comin‘ at us?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Affirmative, Scotty! Any luck with the engines yet?”

SCOTTY: “Quite the contrary, sir! At the rate we’re going, they’re draining power from nearly every system on the ship (not life support, thank heaven). They’ve started to overheat! If we take much more of this, I tell you, we’re going to blow up in the biggest bang in Starfleet history! Or my name isn’t Montgomery Scott, chief engineer of this valiant starship _Enterprise_!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Thank you for that encouraging tidbit, Mr. Scott. Keep me posted.”

SCOTTY: “Aye, sir. Scott out!”

NURSE CHAPEL _(over intercom)_ : “Dr. McCoy, it’s Tyson. Report to sickbay right away!”

MCCOY: “Right. Coming.”

MCCOY HURRIEDLY TURNS TO CAPTAIN KIRK.

MCCOY: “By the time this is over with, I’ll most likely still be in sickbay. Good luck.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Thank you, Bones. You too.”

MCCOY _(to SPOCK)_ : “If we ever survive this, remind me to teach you poker!”

BEFORE SPOCK CAN ANSWER, MCCOY RUSHES OUT OF THE BRIDGE AND GOES DOWN TO SICKBAY.

SPOCK: “Of course, Doctor.”

SULU: “Our speed has dropped back down to Warp 10.0, sir. And slowly declining.”

RILEY: “We’re losing power? No!”

RILEY VIGOROUSLY PATS HIS CONTROL PANEL.

RILEY: “Come on, _Enterprise_ , stay with us. Just power through this. You got it!”

SULU: “Riley.”

RILEY: “What? It’s called a pep talk. Got a problem?”

SPOCK: “Captain! Sensors indicate that the Romulans have launched a missile at us.”

SULU: “It is heading toward us! On screen now! Impact in twenty seconds!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Mr. Scott—”

SCOTTY: “Aye. I heard.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “We’re slowing down. Did you get control, yet?”

SCOTTY: “Not yet, not yet…”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Deflector shields up.”

SULU and UHURA: “Shields not responding, sir!”

YELLOWSHIRT: “Of course, they’re not.”

RILEY: “Come on, come on!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Mr. Scott!”

SCOTTY: “The overdrive of the engines has put a massive power drain on our shields!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Any possible chance you can raise them, Scotty?”

SCOTTY: “Oh, no, sir! Unless you want us to drop to sublight speed! Wait. If I can just get our impulse engines to power on in time… Hang in there…”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Mr. Sulu. What’s our speed?”

SULU: “Down to Warp 9.9 again. And dropping.”

RILEY CLUTCHES THE SIDES OF HIS CONTROL DESK UNTIL HIS KNUCKLES TURN WHITE.

RILEY _(whispering)_ : “She’s fading fast.”

SULU GIVES HIM A STRANGE LOOK.

UHURA: “They’re coming closer!”

SULU: “Ten seconds to impact! Nine!”

UHURA AND YEOMAN RAND HOLD ONTO EACH OTHER FOR DEAR LIFE WHILE SULU COUNTS DOWN.

UHURA: “I can’t look!”

SULU: “Four… three… two… one… Impact!”

A HUGE BLAST ROCKS THE _ENTERPRISE_ AS THE MISSILE HITS ITS TARGET.

CAPTAIN KIRK ( _peeling himself off the floor_ ): “Is… everyone still alive?”

SCOTTY: “Captain…”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty!”

SCOTTY: “I managed to get the shields up just in time… but we can’t take another hit like that one!”

UHURA: “Captain. They’re firing again!”

SCOTTY: “Captain Kirk. Our warp core is failing, our deflector shields gone… Sir. She can’t take much more of this!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Sulu, what’s our status?”

SULU: “Warp 9.0, sir. Falling. Warp 8.9… 8.8… What’s happening?”

RILEY _(staring mournfully at the screen)_ : “She’s dying. The _Enterprise_ is dying.”

SULU: “Riley, are you okay?”

RILEY: “No.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “We can’t afford to put another person in sickbay, Riley.”

RILEY: “That’s fine with me. I cannot go to sickbay in such adverse circumstances. I shall stand by the helm and go down with the ship!”

RILEY STANDS UP AND ATTEMPTS TO LOOK HEROIC, BUT HE HARDLY MANAGES TO STAY UP FOR THREE SECONDS BEFORE HE IS KNOCKED OVER, YET AGAIN, BY ANOTHER BURST OF SPEED.

SULU _(nearly jumping out of his chair)_ : “Captain, the _Enterprise_ just jumped to Warp 13!”

RILEY: “She’s back!”

UHURA: “Warp 13?”

SPOCK: “Captain! Warp 13? _Warp 13_? Sulu, are you reading your instruments correctly?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Warp 13.”

SULU: “I guess so, Captain!”

UHURA: “Captain! The missile is going to hit us!”

CAPTAIN: “Hard about, Sulu! Dodge that missile as if your life depended on it! Which… I suppose… it does.”

SULU TURNS THE _ENTERPRISE_ HARD TO THE RIGHT. THE WHOLE SHIP TILTS, MAKING EVERYONE LOSE THEIR BALANCE (EXCEPT CAPTAIN KIRK). RILEY GOES ROLLING ACROSS THE BRIDGE FLOOR, SLAMMING INTO UHURA.

ANDERSON: “Watch it, boy!”

UHURA: “Whoa! Riley!”

RILEY _(in his most gallant tone)_ : “Not now, miss. There’s another lady in need of my assistance right now; her name’s the _Enterprise_.”

RILEY HEROICALLY STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET AND MARCHES OFF TOWARDS HIS SEAT. HE LOSES HIS BALANCE AGAIN AND PROMPTLY FALLS OVER. HE BEGINS CRAWLING TO HIS SEAT, AND FINALLY MANAGES TO REINSTATE HIMSELF. HE PUNCHES IN THE SAME SEQUENCE AS SULU, MAKING THE _ENTERPRISE_ TURN ABOUT.

RILEY: “Golly. We’re going to flip over. Bye-bye, world. At least, I, Kevin Thomas Riley, die in the knowledge that my last moments were spent in helping to save the ship in her last hour.”

SULU: “Riley, will you just—!”

RILEY: “Farewell, my dear Sulu. It was good serving with you on the Starship _Enterprise_. These were golden years. Sulu, before we all go, I just wanted to say, ‘It was the best of times, and not the worst of times.’ And now… adieu, my friend, adieu.”

RILEY FAINTS.

CAPTAIN KIRK, MEANWHILE, IS WATCHING THE SCREEN. THE MISSILE FLIES BY THE PORT BOW. HE BRACES HIMSELF, EXPECTING A COLLISION, BUT THERE IS NOTHING BUT A SLIGHT SHAKE AS THE MISSILE BARELY MISSES THEM. THEY QUICKLY GO BEYOND THE ROMULAN CENTRAL BASE AND STRAIGHT OVER THE OTHER, SMALLER BASES OF THE NEUTRAL ZONE.

CAPTAIN KIRK _(to himself)_ : “Incredible.”

MCCOY: “Jim? JIM! Captain Kirk! James Tiberius Kirk, will you kindly answer your intercom before I have a hernia?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Oh. Oh, yes…”

MCCOY: “Well, my goodness, I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for ten minutes now!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What is it, Bones?”

MCCOY: “Tyson! He’s… escaped from sickbay, or something! He’s gone, Jim!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Security. Search all decks for Lt. Cmdr. Tyson and bring him back to sickbay. No unnecessary violence. Use your phasers ON LOWEST SETTING if you have to.”

TYSON _(over intercom)_ : “Captain Kirk!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Tyson! What are you doing? Where are you?”

TYSON: “I’m sorry, Captain, and you can court martial me all you want later, but I can’t just stand by and watch this ship go under! I’m needed in the engine room!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “You, sir, are needed in sickbay.”

TYSON: “I’m fine...ish! Scotty isn’t!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “You have a third degree burn on your back and your left arm is para—wait, what happened to Scotty?”

TYSON: “He was in the matter-antimatter chamber when the _Enterprise_ jumped to Warp 13, and the power surge completely stunned him. You have Scotty to thank, sir! Otherwise, we would have never gotten past those Romulans.”

SPOCK _(half to himself)_ : “Indeed. Attaining Warp 13 is a quite remarkable feat.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “How is he, is he all right? Is he still in there?”

TYSON: “No, Chekov and I pulled him out. He’s dazed. We need to get him to sickbay.”

YEOMAN RAND: “Oh, great.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Dr. McCoy, report to the engine room at once! Security, cancel the search for Mr. Tyson. He is located and safe. Repeat, cancel the search.”

TYSON: “You mean it, sir?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Mr. Tyson, maybe I’ll regret this later, but yes I do. We are low on crewmembers right now, and have just lost our chief engineer. We need people right now, people who will stop at nothing to make sure the _Enterprise_ gets home safely. You are one of those people, Tyson, and your place is in the engine room.”

TYSON: “Yes, sir. Thank you, sir!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Don’t mention it! Kirk out. Spock, come on, let’s go to sickbay. Sulu, you’re in charge.”

CAPTAIN KIRK AND SPOCK EXIT THE BRIDGE.

SPOCK: “Captain, I must say I strongly object—”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Oh, of course you do, Mr. Spock.”

SPOCK: “Given his physical state, I would advise he be kept lying down for at least—”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, that’s good! That means you and Dr. McCoy are in complete agreement, then!”

SPOCK: “Supposing he is not strong enough for the task he has undertaken—”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “First of all, Mr. Spock, with Scotty taken down, Tyson is the one for the job. He’s a good man, wouldn’t you agree?”

SPOCK: “Affirmative, Captain, but don’t you think—”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Secondly, he’s not alone. He’s got several very good engineers in there working under him. And thirdly, I want you to think back to that day… What was it, about two years ago? Our mission that day was to transport quite a few ambassadors to some planet. I can’t remember which one. Your father was one of them. Do you remember how you were completely indisposed because of the blood transfusion Dr. McCoy performed on you? Tell me, Spock. Logically, just how indisposed were you?”

SPOCK: “Very much so, Captain.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “And yet you still insisted on going back to your duties!”

SPOCK: “Might I remind you, Captain, that you did the very same thing that day, after the spy from Orion stabbed you in the back.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Yes. Do I ever remember.”

SPOCK: “Tyson is quite indisposed, and yet you are not insisting upon confining him to sickbay as you did two years ago.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, Spock, we weren’t short on our crew that day, and Tyson is not suffering from loss of blood like you were.”

SPOCK: “While these are the facts sir, I still must strongly object. He was exposed to a rather violent electrical shock.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “He is under my responsibility, and I am fully aware of his danger. However, we need every pair of hands we can get in that engine room, especially now with Scotty gone. Can’t you see the logic in that?”

SPOCK: “Yes… I suppose that, at times, the needs of the many do outweigh the few.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “At times, Mr. Spock?”


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nurse Chapel: (is emotionally distraught)  
> Bones: "Take it outside, Jim is having a moment."  
> Captain Kirk: (is emotionally distraught)  
> Bones: "Moment over. Sedative."

THEY ENTER SICKBAY. CAPTAIN KIRK RUSHES OVER TO SCOTTY’S SIDE. SCOTTY IS COVERED FROM HEAD TO FOOT WITH BURNS AND BRUISES, AND HIS ONCE RED SHIRT IS NOW BURNED BLACK IN SOME PLACES.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “How is he?”

MCCOY: “I don’t know how to say this, but…”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What, Bones?”

MCCOY: “He’s dying, Jim! He’s barely hanging on.”

MCCOY INDICATES THE BIOLOGICAL READINGS. THEY ARE ALL FAR TOO LOW.

CAPTAIN KIRK PUTS HIS HAND OVER SCOTTY’S, STRUGGLING TO CONTAIN HIS EMOTIONS, FOR SPOCK’S SAKE.

MCCOY: “He was already in too dangerous an area of the ship for too long, but some tremendous burst of energy was the thing that really fixed him. It must have been that jump we made to Warp—uh… how fast were we going? Warp 10?”

SPOCK: “Warp Thirteen, Dr.”

MCCOY: “Warp… thir… teen… Really? I’ve never heard of a starship anywhere that could do that!”

SPOCK: “I believe Mr. Scott will be quite proud when he hears about it.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty… He told me once, that he’d do anything to protect the _Enterprise_ and everyone on board, even if it meant—”

THE BOLD STARSHIP CAPTAIN WAS TOO MOVED TO GO ON…

MCCOY PUT A HAND ON HIS FRIEND’S BACK.

MCCOY: “Look, Jim, Scotty’s a good man. And he’s also one of the most resilient people I’ve ever known—physically, that is. Remember the time that evil robot came on board our ship—Nomad, I believe it was called? Well, remember when Nomad killed him and then brought him back to life quite some time later? He recovered from that perfectly well! And then there was the business of ‘Apollo,’ shocking him every time he opened his mouth. He was fine the next day—physically, that is. And then there was the time that—well, I could go on and on about all the times I’ve treated Scotty for injuries he’s gotten dealing with the engines.”

SPOCK: “And is this your honest opinion, Dr.?”

MCCOY: “Why, yes, Spock, it certainly is!”

SPOCK: “I am glad of that. Captain, I will be on the bridge.”

SPOCK MAKES A QUICK GETAWAY BEFORE DR. MCCOY CAN SAY ANYTHING.

MCCOY: “Well, what do you know. Our dear friend Mr. Spock is _glad_ of something. I never thought I’d live to see the day!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Yes. I’d… probably best be getting back up to the bridge myself. Good luck. _Take care of him, Bones_.”

MCCOY: “Captain, I’ll take better care of him than he ever took of the _Enterprise_. If that’s even possible, of course.”

CAPTAIN KIRK SMILES HIS USUAL CAPTAIN KIRK SMILE, AND TURNS TO GO. BUT BEFORE HE CAN LEAVE, HE IS STOPPED BY SCOTTY’S VOICE.

SCOTTY: “Captain?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty? You’re awake!”

SCOTTY: “Aye… but I don’t think I can stay awake for much longer though.”

MCCOY: “That’s okay, Scotty, you need your rest.”

SCOTTY: “Just a minute! I need to tell the Captain something!”

MCCOY: “Mr. Scott, you are in no condition to—”

SCOTTY: “I’ve got to!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “It’s all right, Bones. What is it, Scotty?”

SCOTTY: “Captain, I wanted to tell ya… well, if I don’t make it… I just wanted to say thank you! For letting me work here on the _Enterprise_. She’s the very finest starship that ever trekked the stars, I tell ya! I’d rather be nowhere else! If I don’t make it through, I wanted to ask you one thing. With your permission, sir, I’d like to suggest Tyson to be the chief engineer in my place.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well… I can’t think of a better man for the job, but Scotty… You’re going to make it!”

SCOTTY: “Perhaps, Captain, but _if I don’t_ , I want to know that everything will be all right here, and that the right man is in the right place. I know… I’m always sayin‘ this, but the _Enterprise_ is a good ship, and she doesn’t deserve anything but the best from her crew. I want to know that… there will always be someone down there to complain about the state of the warp core… or protest about the engines whenever we go too fast… someone to constantly be nagging you about the laws of physics, or how ‘she can’t take much more of this…’ after I’m gone.”

FOR A FEW MOMENTS, THERE IS SILENCE IN THE SICKBAY. NURSE CHAPEL, WHO HAS BEEN WATCHING FROM THE DOORWAY, LETS OUT A LOUD, SNOT-FILLED SNORT. DR. MCCOY LOOKS OVER AT HER. SHE GIVES A TEARFUL NOD, AND RUSHES AWAY. DR. MCCOY CAN STILL HEAR HER WAILING DOWN THE HALL, BUT CAPTAIN KIRK AND SCOTTY ARE COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS TO EVERYTHING.

SCOTTY: “She’s a good ship, Captain! Take… take care of her!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Believe me, I will.”

SCOTTY: “Och. Of course ya will!”

SCOTTY CLOSES HIS EYES AGAIN. MCCOY INJECTS HIM WITH AN ANESTHETIC AND HE RELAXES.

MCCOY: “Jim!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “No, it’s all right, Bones.”

MCCOY: “Oh, yeah, right.”

CAPTAIN KIRK QUICKLY WALKS OUTSIDE SICKBAY, TRYING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER UNTIL HE CAN REACH HIS OWN QUARTERS. (that’s one of his pet peeves, by the way, crying in front of the crew.) HOWEVER, HE FAILS MISERABLY AND BREAKS DOWN IN THE HALLWAY. HAVING SOME FORM OF DIGNITY, THOUGH, HE DOESN’T GO RUNNING DOWN THE HALLWAY BAWLING AND HOLLERING LIKE NURSE CHAPEL DID. NONETHELESS, HE STILL CATCHES THE EYE OF TWO BLUESHIRTS RUNNING PAST.

MCCOY _(walking out of sickbay)_ : “Well, I see you didn’t get very far.”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(crying uncontrollably)_ : “I am FINE!”

MCCOY: “Jim…”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I am all right. Really!”

MCCOY: “Mm-hm. Yeah, sure. I fail to see how YOU ARE ‘all right!’ Now you, my dear Captain Kirk, have not gotten any kind of rest whatsoever for over three days! You are suffering from sleep deprivation and emotional stress! I am confining you to your quarters for three hours. Dr.’s orders!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “No, you don’t understand. The _Enterprise_ needs me!”

MCCOY: “Jim, it kills me to say this…. but I believe _Spock_ has everything taken care of. Now go to your quarters, and get some rest.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I cannot!”

MCCOY: “Now, Jim! Nurse! Assist!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “You cannot do this to me! I am a Starship Captain! I have rights…”

NURSE CHAPEL _(still crying)_ INJECTS HIM WITH AN ANESTHETIC.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “No… I can’t…”

HE FALLS FLAT ON THE FLOOR. MCCOY AND ANOTHER BLUESHIRT CART HIM OFF.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MCCOY: “I’m fine. Tell those hooligans down in engineering to turn off the engines!”  
> SPOCK: "That's not how space travel works, my guy."

MCCOY ARRIVES ON THE BRIDGE AND COMES UP TO SPOCK.

SPOCK: “Doctor. I didn’t expect you to be coming up here.”

MCCOY: “I didn’t, either, Sickbay’s backed up to the corner. We had a brief—eh— _problem_ with Jim, and I had to come up here and bring you the bad news… You may have to be Acting Captain for awhile now.”

SPOCK: “What has happened to the Captain?”

MCCOY: “Oh, nothing much, just a nervous breakdown. He’ll be over it when he wakes up.”

SPOCK: “And… how long will it be until then?”

MCCOY: “Oh, about three hours.”

SPOCK LOOKS BACK OUT AT THE STARS WHIZZING BY ON THE SCREEN.

MCCOY: “If you’re worried about Jim, it’s all right. He’s fine. Actually, it’s Scotty I’m worried about.”

SPOCK: “You said it yourself, Doctor, that you believe he will recover.”

MCCOY: “I know I did. But I heard him talking to Jim just now, and it appears he expects nothing less than dying.”

SPOCK: “Mr. Scott tends to be quite melodramatic, even illogical at times, Doctor, and now, after his accident, he is quite likely to be more melodramatic than ever. I am quite sure he will recover.”

MCCOY: “Hmm, well I hope you’re right, Spock. Now I’m going back to Sickbay. The floor is starting to vibrate too much up here.”

MCCOY TROTS OFF TOWARDS THE TURBO-LIFT. HE LOSES HIS BALANCE AND CRASHES AGAINST THE WALL.

SPOCK: “Are you all right, Doctor?”

MCCOY: “I’m fine. Tell those hooligans down in engineering to turn off the engines!”

MCCOY TURNS TOWARDS THE TURBO-LIFT AGAIN, BUT LOOKS AROUND ONE LAST TIME WITH HIS USUAL BONES SMILE.

MCCOY: “And, Spock…I…uh… Good luck, Spock.”

SPOCK RAISES AN EYEBROW.

SPOCK: “There is no such thing as luck.”

MCCOY: “Spock! You just don’t get it, do you? You—you—green-blooded calculator!”

MCCOY STOMPS OUT OF THE BRIDGE IN A HUFF.

SPOCK _(trying not to smile)_ : “Spock to engineering.”

TYSON: “Engineering here, sir!”

SPOCK: “Have you managed to regain control of the engines yet?”

TYSON: “Not yet, they seem to have quite a mind of their own!”

SPOCK: “I highly suggest that you gain control as soon as possible. Now that we are out of the Neutral Zone, a speed of Warp Factor 13 is more damaging than necessary.”

TYSON: “I’ll say. If we keep going like this, the whole ship’s going to start breaking up.”

SPOCK: “All the more reason for you to keep working on it.”

TYSON: “We think we have isolated the problem. A circuit in a phase conductor hooked to the warp core was—”

THERE IS A SOUND OF AN EXPLOSION IN THE BACKGROUND, FOLLOWED BY SOME INDISTINCT HOLLERING.

SPOCK: “Tyson, are you still there?”

TYSON: “Whoa. Ahh! Sorry! Is this thing still on?”

SPOCK: “Affirmative, Mr. Tyson.”

TYSON: “A panel just blew up! Everyone’s fine…ish, but we have some MAJOR repairs to do! Catch you later!”

SPOCK: “Hmm. Okay, then. Spock out.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wigorous welocity

CAPTAIN KIRK SLOWLY OPENS HIS EYES TO FIND HIMSELF IN HIS QUARTERS. SPOCK IS MIND-MELDING HIM.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What is it?”

SPOCK: “I was attempting to wake you up, Captain. You are needed on the bridge.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Dr. McCoy ordered me to stay here for three hours.”

SPOCK: “It has been two, and that is close enough.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well then. Let’s go!”

THEY HEAD OFF TOWARDS THE BRIDGE. WHEN THEY ENTER IT:

CHEKOV: “Captain! We can’t keep going at this wigorous welocity!”

SULU: “The speed is tearing this ship apart, sir!”

RILEY: “It can’t be true!”

RILEY STARES DRAMATICALLY UP AT THE CEILING.

RILEY: “Oh… oh… oh, _Enterprise_ , we’ve come so far. You can’t break down now! You just can’t!”

SULU: “And _he’s_ not helping!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, Sulu, I’m glad to see Riley is conscious again. _(over intercom)_ Tyson! Can you cut power?”

TYSON: “We’re trying, sir!”

SPOCK: “Sensors indicate that if we do not lower our speed right now, we will most undoubtedly face explosion or implosion, depending on which part of the _Enterprise_ gives way first.”

UHURA: “We’re going to die!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, we’ll do it with our chins up!”

SULU: “Everyone hang on. This is going to be a bumpy ride!”

SULU’S CONTROL PANEL BLOWS UP, SENDING SPARKS EVERYWHERE.

RILEY: “Sulu! Are you okay?”

SULU: “Quite all right, Riley. I ducked.”

UHURA: “So, is this really it?”

ANDERSON: “What?”

UHURA: “Everyone’s last moments on board the _Enterprise_. Funny. I always imagined it would be quite different than this.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “So did I, Lieutenant.”

SPOCK: “There are many possibilities as to how those last few minutes might have gone. This one is a most unfortunate, but very likely, possibility.”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(smiling)_ : “You’re always so logical.”

SPOCK RAISES AN EYEBROW.

SUDDENLY THE _ENTERPRISE’S_ ENGINES SHUT DOWN.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What was that? We’re still alive, aren’t we?”

TYSON _(over intercom)_ : “Captain! I don’t know what happened, but the engines are off. Did you press something up there?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “No… we didn’t… Now’s our chance! Sulu, do we have steering control?”

SULU: “Steering control? After all that? Surprisingly, yes, Captain. We do.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Bring us to a complete halt.”

SULU: “Aye-aye, sir.”

THE _ENTERPRISE_ GRADUALLY SLOWS DOWN. ONCE SHE COMES TO A COMPLETE STOP WITHOUT ANY FURTHER EXPLOSIONS, EVERYONE HEAVES A SIGH OF RELIEF. A YELLOWSHIRT FAINTS.

TYSON _(over intercom)_ : “Well, guys, we did it.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “We survived! Spock, can we contact Starfleet?”

SPOCK: “Affirmative, Captain.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Do it! Or else we’re going to be stranded here for a long time… something tells me that power isn’t coming back on by itself.

SCENE 27

CAPTAIN KIRK ENTERS SICKBAY. MCCOY IS GIVING SCOTTY A STIMULANT RIGHT AS HE WALKS IN. THEY BOTH TURN AND SMILE.

SCOTTY: “Well, look who it is!”

MCCOY: “Congratulations, Jim.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, thanks, Bones, but it wasn’t just me. Everyone on this ship did their part.”

SCOTTY: “Is the ship all right?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Quite all right. Are you?”

SCOTTY: “Aye… aye, I feel fine!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Not going to die, I hope?”

SCOTTY: “Who said anything about dyin‘? Ha! No way. As long as the _Enterprise_ is around, why, you can guarantee I’ll be right there with her! And how is Tyson? I don’t see him anywhere in sickbay.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “He’s… fine, just a few broken bones. Oh look, here he is, now!”

FOUR BLUESHIRTS COME INTO SICKBAY, CARRYING TYSON ON A STRETCHER.

TYSON: “Ouch, that’s my back you’re hurting there! Straighten out your steps! Walk in _unison_! Like a marching band. Be a marching—OW! Hey! Come on, it’s easy! Right! Left! Right! Left! Ri—HIIIYITE! OUCH!”

MCCOY: “Lay him down here. Now Tyson, if I ever catch you running away from Sickbay again—”

TYSON: “The _Enterprise_ needed me, Doc! Besides, I could hardly escape in this condition!”

SCOTTY: “I’m glad to see you didn’t injure your voice box at all, lad!”

TYSON: “Scotty! You survived!”

THEY START TALKING ABOUT ENGINEERING STUFF.

MCCOY: “Well, you two are going to have fun in Sickbay together. Jim, how long until a Starfleet rescue ship arrives?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I have just spoken to Admiral Roddenberry, from the Alpha IV Star System. About two days. They’re not going to go at Warp 13, I can tell you that much, so it might take a while. Then they’ll do whatever repairs are needed here, and whenever we’re ready, we can go back out to… complete our five year mission!”

MCCOY: “One year left. Oh, boy.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Aw, come now, Bones, you’re going to love it! Just look at Scotty and Tyson!”

MCCOY: “Yes, I see. I only hope that Tyson will be allowed to stay on the _Enterprise_ with all his injuries.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Yes, I spoke to the Admiral about that. He says that if Tyson can make a complete recovery in time, he can go with us. We’ll see.”


	26. Chapter 26

CAPTAIN KIRK, SPOCK, MCCOY AND SCOTTY ARE IN THE BRIEFING ROOM, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT EVERYTHING THAT JUST HAPPENED.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, we seem to have come to a conclusion that we all agree upon. We have no idea what happened. Scotty, do you have any explanation why or how we lost power?”

SCOTTY: “I don’t know, Captain! All I can say is, it’s a good thing the _Enterprise_ lost power when she did! Else the entire engine room woulda been blown to kingdom come—and the rest of us with it! And as for an explanation, I have none, Captain! Only that it was a miracle!”

SPOCK: “There are no such things as miracles.”

MCCOY: “Oh, don’t you start Spock. What would you know about miracles, you pointy-eared hobgoblin?”

SPOCK: “I beg your pardon?”

MCCOY: “Clearly, my dear Mr. Spock, the timing was nothing short of a miracle!”

SPOCK: “Merely a coincidence. They do occur.”

MCCOY: “All right then, Spock, if you know so much, tell me this. _How_ did the _Enterprise_ manage to hold together so long with leaks in the warp core, phaser room _and_ fuel compartments? _How_ did the ship happen to lose power at the _exact_ moment before we would have been blown to atoms? And _how_ , Mr. Spock, were we even able to use our phasers and go at warp in that condition?”

SPOCK: “I was not on board at the time, but I believe the crewmembers remaining switched to auxiliary power.”

MCCOY: “Maybe we haven’t filled you in on this. Auxiliary power was down to 0%. ZERO PERCENT!”

SPOCK: “Fascinating. As to your second question, I believe the engineers either cut power or, as I have previously stated, it was a simple matter of chance.”

MCCOY: “Ha. A Vulcan’s definition of a miracle. It was a miracle, plain and simple!”

SPOCK: “Your definition of _coincidence_ , I presume?”

MCCOY: “Spock, you—j—pl—k—JIM!”

SPOCK: “Captain.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Bones–”

MCCOY: “Spock!”

SPOCK STARES AT MCCOY CURIOUSLY.

MCCOY: “Well, go on, Pointy, it’s your turn!”

SPOCK: “Is that a derogatory reference?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Gentlemen, _please_! Or should I throw you both in the brig?”

MCCOY: “If you’ll excuse me, I have some matters to attend to in sickbay.”

MCCOY GRUMPS OUT OF THE ROOM.

SPOCK: “I, too, must assist with the repairs in the engine room.”

SCOTTY: “Hang on, just a minute, lad!”

SPOCK: “What is it, Mr. Scott?”

SCOTTY: “Ya did not answer the doctor’s first question!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “And what was that, Scotty?”

SCOTTY: “How on earth did the _Enterprise_ manage to hold together for so long? I mean, I know she’s a good ship, but she’s no ancient Scottish fortress, I can tell ya that much!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty—”

SCOTTY: “Although, she is a fine ship. Why, if any other starship was under half the stress, it would have blown up long before! Just look at what happened to the _USS Constellation_! And och, d‘ya remember the _Defiant_? And what about the—”

SPOCK: “I believe, Mr. Scott, the best answer to your inquiry would be the very fact you are constantly reminding us of.”

SCOTTY _(doing the Hector face)_ : “And what would that be?!”

SPOCK: “I believe you know what I am referring to. You say it 72.46 times a day, on average.”

SCOTTY: “Wha—?”

SPOCK: “Now, if you’ll excuse me, Captain, I have some repairs to make. Although a Starfleet rescue team will not likely be able to reach us for a few more days, we will undoubtedly be _perfectly safe_ within the confines of the _Enterprise_ , provided we keep those confines in their prime condition.”

SPOCK LOOKS AT SCOTTY.

SPOCK: “She is, after all, as Scotty says, ‘A very good ship.’”

SPOCK STRUTS OUT OF THE ROOM.

SCOTTY: “Captain, can you please enlighten me as to whatever in the universe Mr. Spock is talking about now? _What_ do I say 72.46 times a day on average?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Why, you said it yourself, Scotty, not five minutes ago!”

SCOTTY: “Captain, I—”

UHURA, ON INTERCOM: “Captain Kirk, Chekov is requesting your presence on the bridge.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “To be sure, Scotty, the _Enterprise_ is a valiant ship, and it is our duty to take care of her as much as we know how. If you’ll excuse me.”

CAPTAIN KIRK RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM AND UP TO THE BRIDGE, LEAVING SCOTTY STARING AFTER HIM.

REDSHIRT #1 ENTERS THE ROOM.

REDSHIRT #1: “Scotty—er, Mr. Scott, we’ve almost got that warp panel sealed off, but we need your assistance with some of the transwarp wires… they seem to be fused together and we can’t figure out how to get them apart.”

SCOTTY _(absentmindedly)_ : “Right away, Mr. Andra.”

THEY HEAD TO THE ENGINE ROOM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A MESSAGE IS BROADCASTED THROUGH THE SHIPWIDE INTERCOM.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Captain. A Starfleet rescue ship has arrived. Please report to the Transporter Room immediately, and prepare for departure.”

SCOTTY: “I guess we’d better go, then. They’ll finish the rest of the repairs by themselves.”

REDSHIRT: “All right! Let’s go!”

SCOTTY IS THE LAST ONE IN THE ENGINE ROOM. HE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM NOSTALGICALLY.

SCOTTY: “Now, don’t ya miss me, old girl. I’ll be back in four weeks! No matter what happens, I’m comin‘ back!”

SCOTTY LEAVES FOR THE TRANSPORTER ROOM.

SCREEN FADES TO BLACK.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank God it's almost over


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Ma-an, Sulu you taste great!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There wasn't enough meta in this fic already, so we decided to correct that.

EVERYONE IS GATHERED IN A GIANT ROOM, RATHER LIKE A 23RD CENTURY BANQUET HALL. THERE IS A SCREEN ON THE WALL. IT IS A STATION BUILT ON THE ALPHA IV STAR SYSTEM’S CENTRAL BASE.

SOME OF THEM ARE STARING AT THE SCREEN, GETTING READY TO WATCH AN OLD, DUSTY MOVIE THAT RILEY PULLED OUT OF A BACK CLOSET SOMEWHERE ON THE BASE.

RILEY: “Hey guys, look what I found! It’s dated… 1980s!!! Dude!! That’s ancient! Heehee, looks kindof like the _Enterprise_!”

SPOCK: “Star _Trek_. Generations. Hm. Interesting.”

THEY WATCH IT.

RILEY: “That is totally unrealistic.”

SCOTTY: “Aye, hafta agree with ya on that one, laddie. Well, I say we take a break from the telly for now and break out the scotch!”

RILEY: “Hey, what about the ice cream?”

SULU: “Don’t forget the cake!”

YEOMAN RAND: “Cake indeed! I was up all night working on it. _(She whips a blanket dramatically off of a large, rectangular object on the corner counter.)_ And I wasn’t up all night for nothing!”

THE CAKE IS ABOUT TWELVE FEET LONG, EIGHT FEET WIDE, AND A FOOT DEEP. ACROSS THE TOP IS A PICTURE OF EVERY CREWMEMBER ON THE ENTERPRISE, EXCEPT FOR TYSON (AND THE MANY—ahem— _LATE_ REDSHIRTS). IN THE VERY MIDDLE AND TOP OF THE CAKE IS A RATHER SMALL MODEL OF THE ENTERPRISE (on a stand). THE HANGAR DECK DOOR IS OPEN, AND IF YOU LOOKED CLOSELY, YOU COULD SEE TYSON’S FACE INSIDE THE WINDOW OF THE SHUTTLECRAFT JUST READY TO LAUNCH.

MCCOY: “Hey, I’ll take the piece with Spock on it!”

SPOCK’S EYEBROWS SHOOT UP.

SPOCK: “Most illogical.”

MCCOY: “Well, now, my dear Mr. Spock. Sometimes we have to learn that a cake is only a cake. Haha.”

SPOCK QUIETLY TAKES THE PIECE WITH MCCOY ON IT AND ACCIDENTALLY-ON-PURPOSE ENDS UP STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO MCCOY AS HE TAKES A HUGE BITE OUT OF THE HEAD. MCCOY ROLLS HIS EYES AND DOES THE SAME THING TO HIS PIECE.

SULU: “I’ll take this one _(grabbing a piece with Riley on it)_. Hehe, Kevin! Check this out!”

SULU POKES HIS FORK INTO HIS CAKE. RILEY COMES UP, HOLDING A PIECE WITH SULU ON IT.

RILEY: “Ma- _an_ , Sulu you taste great! Hey! Watch this! _hmm-hmm-hmm!”_

RILEY SMASHES HIS PIECE OF CAKE WITH HIS HAND.

SULU: “Nice, work, Riley. You just ruined your cake.”

RILEY _(looking down in sad horror, sniffling)_ : “Meanie. _(Riley sniffs very quickly and loudly and his expression goes back to normal)_ Just kidding.”

RILEY LICKS ALL THE CAKE OFF HIS HANDS, PICKS THE CRUMBS OFF THE FLOOR AND EATS THOSE, THEN GOES BACK FOR ANOTHER PIECE. INSTEAD OF TAKING A PIECE, HOWEVER, HE PLUCKS THE MODEL OF THE _ENTERPRISE_ UP FROM THE CENTER OF THE CAKE.

SULU: “Riley! You’re not going to eat that, are you?”

RILEY: “Never! Why would I ever want to eat plastic?”

SULU: “Hmm.”

RILEY LOOKS OVER THE LITTLE MODEL MORE CLOSELY.

RILEY: “Ohhh, look at you! A teeny, tiny, _Enterprise_! Just like the model I got from the gift shop last night. Sulu, look at this!”

SULU: “I… see. Riley, look at the hangar deck!”

RILEY: “Wait, wh-wh-what? Oh, yeah. Shuttlecraft. So what?”

SULU: “Look at who’s _in_ the shuttlecraft.”

RILEY: “Why, I don’t think there’s anyone in that—Oh. Wait! Is that Tyson.”

THE ROOM GOES SILENT. EVERYONE STARES AT THE MODEL SHIP, AND THEN LOOKS AT YEOMAN.

YEOMAN: “What? I didn’t make it.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “You must have! Who made this model?”

YEOMAN: “I… got it from the gift shop last night, on the space station. There are lots of little _Enterprises_ there, you know.”

 _ALMOST_ EVERYONE BEGINS TALKING QUIETLY AMONGST EACH OTHER.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I don’t think they would have specifically put Tyson in there. Riley, didn’t you get a model of the _Enterprise_ just like this one?”

RILEY: “Yep. I wanted it as a souvenir. Ha! Never thought I’d get a souvenir to remind me of what I’m living on!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Go get it, Riley. Quick, quick, quick.”

RILEY RUSHES OFF.

SUDDENLY, EVERYONE NOTICES SCOTTY SITTING AT THE TABLE, STARING DOWN AT HIS HANDS, BEING VERY QUIET. CAPTAIN KIRK GOES OVER AND PUTS HIS HAND ON SCOTTY’S SHOULDER.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Scotty. You did it, didn’t you?”

SCOTTY LOOKS UP AT CAPTAIN KIRK.

SCOTTY _(half-whispering)_ : “Aye. I thought he deserved it, after all. It was the least I could do.”

CAPTAIN KIRK _(in his most dramatic of dramatic voices [you haven’t heard dramatic until you’ve heard this])_ : “He does indeed, deserve it. He was a great man in his Starfleet years, and is a great man still. Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. Tyson, while he is not dead, still sacrificed nearly everything to save us. And you… can just _bet your boots_ that he wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.”

NO EYE REMAINS DRY. EVERYONE (except for Spock) IS HALF-SNIFFLING. SPOCK IS STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD, WONDERING WHY EVERYONE IS CRYING OVER A MAN WHO IS STILL VERY MUCH ALIVE.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Tyson is one of the greatest crewmembers we have ever known, and we will never forget him.”

CAPTAIN KIRK RAISES HIS GLASS OF ORANGE STUFF, AND EVERYONE ELSE RAISES THEIRS WITH HIM.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “To Tyson! To the _Enterprise_ , and to our mission, which as you all know is advancing as of today, into its FOURTH YEAR, and would have never come to this had it not been for Tyson.”

EVERYONE RAISES THEIR GLASSES AND DRINKS THE TOAST.

FINNEY and CHEKOV: “Hear, hear!”

SCOTTY _(straightening up)_ : “Thank ya, Captain! You know, you just put into words what I’ve been trying to think for the last few weeks! I don’t know how ya do it!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “I do have another announcement to make, but I should probably wait until our dear young friend Riley decides to—”

JUST THEN, RILEY RUSHES IN THROUGH THE DOOR. HIS HAIR’S MESSED UP AND HE’S GOT STAINS OF OIL, INK, SOUP, COFFEE, METHYLENE BLUE, IODINE, SOME PURPLE MEDICINE, LITHIUM GREASE AND MUCH, MUCH MORE ALL OVER HIS BODY.

RILEY: “Captain, I can’t find it!”

SULU HALF-SMILES.

RILEY: “Sulu! You took it! _Yyyyyyoooouuu_ took it, didn’t you?”

RILEY STRIDES ACROSS THE ROOM TOWARDS SULU, FISTS SWINGING. HE IS APPREHENDED BY CAPTAIN KIRK.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “It’s all right, Riley, we already found out all we needed to know.”

RILEY: “Y-you mean… after all that? You mean to say I searched from the bridge to the sick bay to the mess hall to the hangar deck, ransacked everyone’s room I could break into, accidentally got burned with chemicals in the lab department, a hot wall in the engine room, the stove in the mess hall, got my newest red shirt all stained up and broke tha-REE NAILS…! all for nothing?”

CAPTAIN KIRK, BONES, SPOCK, SCOTTY AND SULU ALL EXCHANGE GLANCES, THEN LOOK BACK AT RILEY.

EVERYONE: “Yeah.”

RILEY DOES THE HECTOR-FACE, SLIDES DRAMATICALLY TO THE GROUND, AND COMMENCES SLAMMING HIS FISTS AND HEAD INTO THE GROUND. (well, not really his head. But he pretended to.) EVERYONE (EXCEPT FOR SPOCK, SULU AND SCOTTY) CAN’T RESIST LETTING OUT GIGGLES. SPOCK STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD, TRYING HIS HARDEST TO BE… WELL… LOGICAL. SCOTTY LAUGHS UNTIL HE CRIES. SULU JOINS HIM, SLAMMING HIS OWN FIST ON THE TABLE TOP

CAPTAIN KIRK COMES OVER TO RILEY.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Uh… Riley, don’t worry. I’m pretty sure we’ll find it. Anyway, you didn’t miss out on much, and uh, it looks like there are still some pieces of cake left. You’d better take one before it’s all gone, don’t you think?”

RILEY RUSHES OVER TO THE TABLE, CAREFULLY SELECTS THE BIGGEST PIECE THERE, AND COMMENCES EATING IT.

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, now that everyone is settled—all 422 of you present? Yes? Good! Well. As you all know, this is our 4th anniversary since we first set out on this great ship, and I think this calls for a celebration, don’t you all agree.”

EVERYONE except SPOCK: “YYYEAAHHHH! _WOOOOOOOOO_!!!”

SPOCK: ”A logical decision, Captain.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “And I also think that everyone who is an honorary crewmember of the _USS Enterprise_ should be able to celebrate with us. Spock and I have planned something. Mr. Spock?”

SPOCK: “Yes, I have spoken with the Alpha IV System Hospital, and they have given us permission to employ an old 21st Century communications technique—I believe it is called: Skyping.”

SCOTTY: “You mean…”

RILEY: “We’re gonna be able to talk to Tyson? No way! Whoopee! Best! Day! Of! My life!!!”

SULU: “When?”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Spock?”

SPOCK: “Skype session is scheduled to start in one minute, 47 seconds…”

MCCOY: “Seriously, Spock. Do we seriously have to hear, down to the last nanosecond, how much time we have left?”

SPOCK: “Seriously.”

RILEY: “I can’t wait. I’m turning it on now!”

TYSON’S FACE FLASHES ONTO THE SCREEN.

EVERY CREWMEMBER OF THE _ENTERPRISE_ : “HI, TYSON!!!”

TYSON: “Whoa. It worked. Well, howdy! It’s awesome getting to talk to you again. I would do your ‘Live long and prosper’ thing, Spocky-old-pal, but…”

TYSON LOOKS DOWN AT HIS ARMS, BOTH OF WHICH ARE LAYERED ABOUT A FOOT AND A HALF THICK WITH PLASTER CASTS.

MCCOY: “Spock! Did you just roll your eyes?”

SPOCK ROLLS HIS EYES IN ANNOYANCE AT MCCOY’S THICKHEADEDNESS.

MCCOY: “See? He did it again! I knew it! Spock, you do have a sense of humor.”

TYSON: “Guys, I have bad news, and I have good news! ’Kay? Ready for this? Bad news first. I can’t get out of the hospital and into action until all my injuries heal, which will take about eight months minimum.”

MCCOY GIVES A DISSATISFIED GRUNT.

MCCOY _(under his breath)_ : “Doctors these days. I tell you.”

TYSON: “The good news is… _After_ those eight months are up, after jabbering a lot about ceremonies and medals of honor for every single person on the _Enterprise_ , they said I could be reinstated!”

UHURA: “What?”

TYSON: “That’s right! I don’t have to retire. I was very clear that I wanted to be on a starship, not just trapped on a planet on some random Starfleet base. So they offered me positions on a bunch of different starships, captain, first officer, chief engineer, etc., etc., etc…. And you’ll never guess what I chose!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, what is it, Tyson, don’t leave us in the dark!”

TYSON: “It was an easy decision. With so many options, you might wonder why it was such an easy decision! But it was. It was the easiest and best decision I’ll probably ever make.”

SCOTTY: “WHAT, LAD? _SPIT IT OUT, ALREADY_!”

TYSON: “Captain? That’s cool. Commander? That’s not too bad, either. But then I realized I didn’t want to give up the redshirt just yet. So, yeah. For now, I’m just going to stick to my humble position of sometimes-assistant engineer, sometimes-security guard, possibly-guy who dies first.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “So they’re reinstating you!”

TYSON: “Yeppers!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Which ship? Do you—uh—have any preferences?”

TYSON: “Yes, in fact, they let me list my top five preferences. Told me it was a special privilege or something. Naturally, I only put down one name in all five spots, and I bet y’all can guess what it was! That’s right, everyone, I’m coming back to the _Enterprise_!”

SCOTTY: “Tyson! They let you do that?”

TYSON: “Of course they did! That is, if it’s all right with you, Captain.”

THE REDSHIRTS JUMP UP AND DOWN WHISTLING AND SCREAMING. ONE OF THEM WHIPS OUT AN AIRHORN AND COMMENCES BLASTING IT. TWO OTHERS SHOOT THEIR PHASER BEAMS AT EACH OTHER (ON LOWEST SETTING, OF COURSE!), MAKING A GIANT (BUT NOT DANGEROUS) EXPLOSION.

REDSHIRT #1: “Well, Mr. Scott, are you glad or what?!”

SCOTTY BURSTS INTO TEARS.

SPOCK: “Really, Mr. Scott? It has been at least your tenth time today.”

MCCOY: “Aw, come on Spock, you know you’re glad our legendary redshirt returneth! Heh. Though he is, after all, only a redshirt.”

SPOCK: “It will be… familiar to have everyone back to their usual positions.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Don’t worry, Tyson, it’s quite all right with me. I have a feeling that if I refused, I’d have a riot on my hands.”

TYSON: “What are you guys doing?”

SULU: “We’re watching an old movie on the flatscreen at the Space Station!”

RILEY: “It’s called… Generations, or something like that. It’s quite interesting, actually. I’m told that a lot of the machinery in Starfleet was modeled after the stuff in the movie! Transporter… phasers… But the rest is _totally_ unrealistic.”

TYSON: “Oh yeah, I’ve heard about that. It used to be a TV show, did you know that? I watched it once, when I was like two years old… It’s out of publication now of course. Ever heard of it?”

UHURA: “No, we haven’t!”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “What was the TV show called, Mr. Tyson?”

TYSON: “Star Trek. I don’t remember much about it, though. After all, I was only two.”

CAPTAIN KIRK: “Well, surely you must remember _something_ about it.”

TYSON _(brightening up)_ : “Wait a second… Yes! Of course! How could I have forgotten? There was a starship in it, like ours. A _lot_ like ours. Her name was also the _Enterprise…_ ”

SCOTTY: “Oh, laddie. What was she like?”

TYSON: “Well, what do you think, Scotty? With a name like that, how could the _Enterprise_ be anything but… the finest starship in the fleet?”

**The End.**

**(CUE END CREDITS)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, "a cake is only a cake" is a reference to Star Trek TNG's "Phantasms". Whether or not that was McCoy's meaning is left up to interpretation.


End file.
